Obervation to Preservation

I was inspired today after my hot yoga class, to write about how people really get stuck in to the drama of their emotions. I watched people as they literally fought with their bodies throughout the class, one to deal with the extreme temperatures which were well over 80 degrees and two, to force their bodies into postures that "dear old bod" was not ready for. One guy especially caught my attention. It tickled me pink by the end of the class. He literally pumped out a dialogue of puffing and panting loudly and even during Savasana (relaxation) at the end, the whole class was subject to his deep "ahhhhhhs" and sighs as he came to terms with the marathon that his body clearly had disliked with a passion !

And it made me think...if we feel something and allow the drama of it to take a grip and manifest ...what then ? Some peoples outbursts can register on the Richter Scale and those around them have to run for hills to take cover. I am sure you know or have known someone like this ! How do you feel around that "threat" ? Eggshell treading becomes the norm to keep the peace.

I  work with couples in conflict and it sprouts grand from triggered emotions which can erode the relationship and the people in it gradually over time. Now I am not saying we should all go around holding in our emotions. Lord knows historical social conditioning has sent alot of people on a quest to express, but it's WHY we should observe ourselves when our pain body is activated. 9 times out of 10 reaction based on "this is what I am feeling now so you are gonna get it", never works. Think of the times you have done it. You are more pissed at yourself which serves to increase inner pain and then you gotta dig yourself out of it with flowers, apologies and massages ...or whatever !

I spent 10 days meditating at a retreat last summer in Hereford. Vipassana is the extreme sport of meditation. You spend 10 days in complete silence and spend 10 hours of each day meditating. I was never one to do things by halves ! The roots of this meditation technique are based in mindfulness and spending the whole time in observation of "the self" was one of the most profound things I had ever done. You get to witness the ramblings of the mind and its ability to take you off on tangents, in and out of stories and how it can play games with you if left to its own devices. It was scary and bizarre and incredible all at once. During meditation time we were guided to simply observe whatever sensation or emotion arose in the body and watch it pass without reacting. It did, without fail, every time. Sitting and meditating without moving a hair on my head, or to scratch an itch or move to ease a shoulder ache gave me the ability to be able to see how our mind wants to drag us into the emotional and mental drama in the moment. As feelings and painful memories came and went I saw how if I just observed, things pass. Just as night turns to day and life in its endless cycle, ebbs and flows, so do we, in this great cosmic soup. It was the best "me" training I had ever experienced and its benefits are with me every day now. Sure I feel triggered when my boyfriend "pushes my buttons" from the past, but I am way better able to articulate what is happening in me, without stripping layers of skin off him with my heated words. Thank God he didn't meet me years ago !

Emotions rise and they pass and if we can just know that whatever we are urged to feel in the moment, will pass, then we have greater awareness to be able to do something about it. Conflict is painful and often ugly and way too reactive and I have witnessed throughout my life what it can do. My dad, God rest his soul, was the master of reactive outbursts and like a dutiful daughter I learnt that way to communicate too. In my early teenage years for example, I kicked hell into the kitchen cupboards if I spilled sugar on the floor by mistake. I always felt bad but at the same time compelled like a battering ram to do whatever "came up". Anger management was not my strong point !

Past painful memories and unresolved childhood wounds sit like snakebites in our bodies and minds waiting to be triggered so we can look at them and with the help of a partner, can heal and grow beyond them. Our intimate relationship can and will activate those snakebites and is the only relationship that creates the right conditions for this to happen. It is what "is meant" in the grand scheme of this Universal Plan, to help us return to our wholeness and allow the "real us" to show up.

So when you next feel triggered into reactive defensive behaviour with your partner or loved one, wait a few moments and sit with what it is they are bringing up for you. Your body will let you know the signs immediately.

Cortisol, a reactive hormone is released in your body during these moments and prepares you for "fight or flight". The first 20 mins of this cortisol reaction is the time when it is the most risky to express how you feel. You want to fire off a text (or 100 !), you want to chuck nasty words to wound your partner for daring to hurt you with their words, you want to stomp about the house and slam doors, or at worst you want to harm your partner physically.

In perspective, when you feel triggered it is 90% your stuff and only 10% theirs. What is arising for you is yours and no one else's. You need to own it and more importantly take responsibility for it.  You have a choice right in that moment. Reacting is exhausting so, with willpower, choose a different way. I guarantee it will be a better way.

Get into the habit of self observation. Think "ahh I am being triggered" and be curious about it rather than engaging in the drama of the potential lava flow of emotions. Watch it as it surfaces in your body. Feel the sensations, the anger, sadness or whatever and simply "be" with it until it passes. It will, every time. Blocking it from arising will only create more fear in the long run as you start to live with the fight or flight syndrome and run from it time and again. Your partner's job IS to push your buttons but in doing so, is helping you ultimately face the unhealed bits of you. 

If you need to rant and I am not saying it's not healthy to, set up time alone or with a mate to get it off your chest. I do think it is a good idea to get it out, but the danger comes when the reaction is aimed to harm your partner from what it is perceived they have to done to upset you.

The aim is to be able to say in a rational controlled fashion "honey I feel really triggered by what you have just said and I need a little time to allow it to subside. Can we talk about it a bit later ? (or now depending on how you feel)" This way you preserve your relationship space and save yourself the pain of allowing the emotion to damage your mind and body. I have tried it and it works and I can't tell you enough what a revelation it is to feel in control of me but in a self respecting way. It works wonders for preserving your precious relationship and hey presto as the Law of Attraction kicks in, your partner can stay connected and feel respected as you both mature into a better way to communicate.

 

Honour yourself from today by observing and preserving the delicate nature of you that is trying to make its way in this world. As you grow others will naturally help you. We are all in it with you.

 

Blessings and love

Find the Love You Really Want – Why Waste Time ?

I have always have a number of topics to write about on the subject of romance and relationships. In fact the list is endless; but one pressing subject I want to chat about as the sunny season of hope springs forth, is that educating your "self" in the art of creating successful relationships is the only way forward. Wouldn't you love to save a whole lot of heartache and time ?

Consciousness seems to be the major buzz word on the planet now. In essence it means becoming aware and the first place we must start is with ourselves. So unless in a relationship you know and are aware of what you are giving off how can you expect to fix the problems ? You are one half of the problem that exists I am sorry to say. What we allow, even if our partner is abusive, is still our problem and in the allowing, we self harm.


So once inward focus is recognised then we can start to understand and know what makes us tick in relationships and more to the point start to own and take responsibility for our part in the dynamics. When I truly "got it" I realised that I had been blindly blaming my partner choices on them. Ugh ! I had to grow up a little and make the changes necessary to change the dance I had been dancing for 25 years. It was revolutionary ! Sadly alot of people don’t want to make changes to their behaviour and continue to think their partner is the one to blame. But in doing so they only delay inner growth and healing.


So what does relationship education give you that you won't learn by just experiencing  ?


1) Understanding that it is GOOD to have boundaries and when you have none love won't come to you easily. When you are boundaryless you will keep letting in unwanted behaviour from others and you will find it tough establishing the REAL you.


2) When you are triggered into conflict or a row with your partner it is 90% your issue and only 10% theirs. Triggered emotions feel like small snake bites inside and the pain inflicted is coming from an unhealed part of you. It is virtually never what you find to argue about..lid off the toothpaste or peeing on the toilet seat... it is about the unconscious meaning that experience has for you from the past.


3) When you are in conflict with your beau, you will either respond by closing down and not wanting to face the "music" and boy the music can be loud ! Or, you want to talk it through and keep nagging at your partner until you get the space to do so. These two “styles” of people will always meet and fall in love and it is why and how you communicate through that is essential in the path to deep communion in love. Otherwise " 'er in doors" becomes the flavour of pub talk !


4) An ability to look at and understand the past when you were growing up with your parents or caretakers and to come to know that your partner choices in adulthood reflect a deep unconscious desire to heal past "wounds" from childhood. Don't be offended when I use the word wounded because human beings are hugely diverse and complicated and parents do their level best to bring us up in a balanced way. However, it is and was impossible to have our needs met 24/7 as we grew up and some of the negative experiences hang around in our memories from the young delicate little people we once were and become the snake bites that I have discussed, later on.


5) Partner choices, for your childhood healing process to be completed, are mostly unconscious. In other words you may consciously choose, for example, they have a great physical appearance and embody the things that excite you but what makes you fall head over heels and gets you intrinsically "hooked" will be largely motivated by your brain and its past experiences, mostly negative ones with your folks, and it is merely trying to re-create those "playgrounds" of experience to replay the movie and gain a successful outcome this time around. In other words, you will unconsciously choose those partners who embody mostly the negative traits of your parents/caretakers in order to re-create the same situations from childhood where this time around you can heal. This is a deep one to accept I know and people say to me how so you know it is true Gina ? Well because I see it everywhere I look. Men cry quite alot ...."god she is just like my mother !" and for good reason. But not knowing why sets up further conflict and an eventual need to rid yourself of this person, rather than to know and thank that this person who has annoyingly turned up to help you heal from the past !


6) Relationships have a cycle. The honeymoon phase allows the bonding of attraction with the above motivation in mind, to heal from childhood. But this bonding is without fail followed by the conflict stage or "power struggle" as the wounds that need to heal come up to the surface and this shows up as....what you once loved about your partner is now annoying the hell out of you ! Learning how to move beyond this tricky stage needs help and is only done through the right type of communication. Most couples come to me during the conflict stage because they are programmed to respond with the learned behaviours from the past and so I teach them how to add to the bag of tools and help them learn that we must honour and respect the other in their differences.


7) The relationship space. I have written about this already but my teaching focuses on couples seeing that what they give to the relationship, rather than what they take from it, heals and grows the quality of the relationship and the other.


8) And finally, healing, self love and acceptance come from learning about yourself and arming yourself with this valuable knowledge WILL shift who you attract and improve the quality of your relationships.


Honouring and knowing what is coming from you is the beginning of your journey to successful and healthy relationships. Get in touch when you need a hand along that path and together I will help you see the real beauty of you as you return to love.

To Text or Not to Text, that is the question ?

Leading nicely on from my last piece about how to "tool up" to communicate properly in your relationship, I find myself compelled to mention the wonderful world of non-verbal communication, in particular, texting. Daily life seems to cocoon us more and more within the world of laptops and virtual relationships with others and as well as the plethora of benefits in terms of connecting us with ever larger circles of people, it can, in intimate relationships, kill some of the essence of good old fashioned face to face dialogue.

Now I am not saying texting is bad because indeed it has its benefits. For example, sending a sweet nothing to your loved one as they journey through their day, just to show you care, is lovely... or to wish them luck when they are just about to head into an interview. It saves money on a phone call and sometimes for a quick word or two, it's not necessary to speak.

I guess I just want to explore and share my thoughts on using texting to communicate when you really do need to talk.

I have been guilty, if I can call it that, of trying to get my point across when I was peed off about something in my previous relationships. My intention ? To tell him how I feel and then shut him out because I need to run away for a while ! My defence plan "You are gonna know how I feel, but you are gonna have to run after me to fix it !" Crazy huh ! But that's me. Think about how you use texting when you want to say something but are and this is the point, afraid to speak the words.

I have learnt about two styles of behaving in conflict in relationships. I will call these two folk, minimisers and maximisers for the purpose of illustration. Maximisers in conflict are usually the more emotionally flowery people who want to talk about everything to sort problems out and they only feel connected when their partner listens and hears them. Maximisers can be overbearing and intense and sometimes can scare their partners with huge outbursts of emotional lava. Texting trends tend to be "hot pursuit" style. A new client said of his girlfriend recently , "She freaks me out sometimes and literally stalks me on text ! I feel trapped and pretty intimidated and can't escape, so I shut her out to get some peace." This is classic !

The opposite style, minimising, is when in conflict, that person's style is to shut down and not talk about what's bothering them in the moment. They believe they are the logical rational ones that never start the rows and they feel they are often the more mature partner in the relationship. Their texting style is often short and sweet and boy, lots of minimisers use texting to keep their maximising partner, at bay. I have a friend who loves texting when her man "starts" cause she can tell him how she feels then turn the phone off to control his octopus style clinging. Sounding familiar ? So in this way texting can nurture your tendency in conflict to remain where you are in your style of learned behaviour i.e. maximising or minimising.

My main point is that texting in conflict will usually inflame rather than smooth, because we can so easily take the words the wrong way. I will agree that sometimes a quick text to say "darling, I feel a little emotional about what you said earlier, can we talk later ?" is ok, because it is stating how you feel rather than chucking a great big hang grenade criticism. But remember with texting, it is the words you use that can aggravate or smooth. So if you feel utterly compelled to text...explain how you feel, NOT what your beau is doing to pee you off. Blaming and shaming never works and on text it's a very detached way of putting your point across.

I had an emotionally intense relationship 3 years ago, where most of my more difficult conversations were on text because I felt afraid of his response. I can't talk for his feelings about it, but it was almost like I couldn't face him for fear that he would leave me at some point. I used to get really upset if he blocked me out and shut down when he was angry, so I would "fire" a text to try and wound him in his rabbit hole, then I would shut down and retreat hoping and praying he would come get me and make it better. Oh what a survival strategy !

Let me go on to use an analogy here. Your world of you, is like an island. On your island, with all your thoughts and feelings and the way you see life, your partner cannot possibly know exactly where you are at because they are on their own island. When you send a text, imagine if you will that it is a flare, it lands on their island and can and will be received with their views and feelings and opinions about what the message is that you have sent. Not how you originally intended. Get me ? The only way to really hear your partner or for them to hear you, is to visit the other's island and be fully present with them, leaving your island behind. This is what I teach in my work. Good old fashioned, heart centred connection where verbal communication, face to face, is the only true way to achieve a healthy conscious relational space.

So often texting can be muddled in its "received" mode. Taking it the wrong way is common. How many times have you got it wrong when someone has texted you and how many times did your receiver take it the "wrong" way from you ? Easy to do. Our previous experiences create a filtering system in our minds and certain words or messages will be absorbed, filtered and according to your values and beliefs you will react according to what your resulting "output" is. Having a conversation with your partner can ease the ability to take it the way to choose, rather than the way they meant it. Our stories about what we think is coming from our partner can be way off the mark, so please, if you to need to say something delicate, say it don't text it...it saves a lot of hassle in the long run !

Finally...next time, as you start to send a text to your loved one in a bad moment, perhaps after a row or even before one, stop and think a little. Does your relationship deserve to have you contributing in this way or would it be better to tell your loved one face to face how you feel about what is happening ?

Enjoy texting for the fun of it...leave the tougher bits to the bravery of talking...go on...you can do it !