A battle field for the heart and emotions...insecurity. It plagued my life and the men I dated, so many times in the last 25 years and was the source of great angst too many times, often with disastrous consequences.
Insecurity is a feeling that can't always be intellectualised and virtually never rationalised when in motion. The energy generated can be overpowering and when it blows the surface, an emotional eruption can be the result. I have experienced and seen many scenes of pain and conflict as a direct result of reactive behaviour from this emotion.
But what is insecurity exactly. Have you ever dissected it ? The English dictionary says :
"1 not confident or assured. 2 not firm or firmly fixed. 3 easily broken into; not protected".
Yes, for me, it was definitely about lack of confidence. I have many times in public places, convinced myself that another more attractive and vivacious woman is going to capture the heart of my beloved, there and then.
Yes it's about not being protected and here was my revelation only last year.....for me it's about feeling UNSAFE. I discovered at the root of my insecurity was my lack of personal and emotional safety. Once educated, I came to understand that my father, god rest his soul, had been regularly exiting the marital home for many years because of his violent mood swings and so my experience as a very small child was "that is what men do". My masculine role model did it. The result ? Wounding and a defensive coping mechanism of "run and hide" to try and stay safe. But deep in my inner child I had an aching longing for daddy to come and make me feel safe. He rarely did.
As I began to date, I carried with me the unconscious conditioning from childhood. When I felt unsafe with a boyfriend, I would put up a high emotional fortress and flee the scene if I thought I was going "to die" emotionally. As the insecurity kicked in, I would react before I had chance to control the bucking bronco surfacing. This only served to further isolate me from my man. They usually never understood and it was pointless trying to explain, because for years I didn't understand what was at the root of it.
After reacting I would then shut down lines of communication and expect my man to run after me to make me feel safe again. He would have to try hard and sometimes it took days to recover me from the cave I had run into. A whopping big pattern of the same carried on for years and I felt helpless to stop it, because the lack of safety was literally terrifying. Sound familiar ?
The saying "you create what you fear" is the truest thing I ever heard. I did indeed create the same reaction of a man wanting to leave me because of my ingrained pattern. It was me and dad all over again, time after time.
To make it worse I was strongly drawn to the "player" type of men. Men, like dad, who represented "unsafe" and risky to my heart. You may think, why oh why Gina, would you deliberately choose men like your dad ? Why indeed, but you see, choosing this type of man was not a conscious choice but an unconscious one. Our sub conscious mind is responsible for picking who we need for healing. It's been proven that you will be most drawn to partners who represent the traits, particularly the negative ones, from our parents/caretakers. They wounded you and now you need to create the same scenarios in order to heal from childhood, with your partner.
Fascinating stuff that you would not know without education. Call me for more information on how to get fit for a conscious relationship.
Dealing with insecurity :
1) Firstly are you truly committed to your relationship ? I ask this because if you have a non-committal partner they will trigger your insecurity time after time. Think about this however. Non-committal partners are only a reflection of the non-committal elements in you. You get back what you give out ! It took me years and years to work this out. Are you really committing or are you waiting for your partner to first ? This won’t work. Be what you want first, every time.
2) Check out your partner. Are they at the right stage for a fully conscious relationship to help you heal ? Healing will only take place when you have a partner who is prepared to commit to working through the power struggles. It can be a tough road !
3) Communicate with your partner and tell them calmly and gently what you feel when insecurity arises and what sort of situations make it happen. The worst thing is the out of control reactions which generate hurtful words and then you have a tougher time resolving the issue. With awareness, your partner will then know your triggers and can help you as your feelings arise.
4) If you are out and you feel insecure, remove yourself from the scene for a few minutes if you can and DON'T react. Your surfacing feelings are yours to own and no-one else's. Your partner is merely triggering the depths of your un-resolved past. Sit somewhere you can breathe deeply and try focusing on your breath not on the story in your mind about what is happening at the scene. This will only add fuel to your fire. The emotion WILL fade but be disciplined and vigilant.
5) Educate yourself about your past and find out where the root of your insecurity lies. What does it mean to you when you feel it ? Lack of safety, anger, feeling worthless ? This is ESSENTIAL and was the turning point in my life. Unless you know what you are doing and why, you will continue to become engaged in the story of you and it is only a story !
Communication is the key to creating conscious relationships. Good luck. Namaste !
Monday 28 September 2009
Tuesday 22 September 2009
The Ferris Wheel
Dear readers...I have created my ferris wheel analogy in response to years of observations in friends and my own love relationships.
This is the scene....you are in a relationship that is beyond the honeymoon period, where the rose coloured spectacles, viewing your once perfect partner, are now off and the proverbial relationship sleeves are rolled up ready for the next stage. Some call it the power struggle, where the real business of getting to know each other kicks in.
The power struggle is inherent in every relationship, to varying degrees, depending on previous life experience, but I see a cyclical pattern that emerges time and again, where people feel as though they are never moving forward but just repeating the same old situations and things.
So there you are going round in circles or round the ferris wheel with each other, saying the same old things and resisting at the same points. Why should you change...it's not me it's him/her...if only they would get it...derrr ! The ups and the downs reflect your journey around the wheel. But repeating the wheel only serves to take the relationship in one direction and that's down, not forward.
In my experience the ferris wheel turns because neither party is prepared to change, or can't see what they are doing to create their part in it. They are not only taking, but destroying the delicacy of the emotional bond in the relationship.
Sometimes, from the outset, both parties have actually laid out their life stall and in reality are not a match for future life aspirations and goals, but the "blindness" that seems ingrained in the initial stage of romantic love, glosses over these very important facts. The ferris wheel can then occur because deep down each person is not being fulfilled because simply, they want different things. I have a dear friend who is experiencing this now. The life differences mean that her and her partner can't quite move forward, because what they both desire for fulfillment, is not the same.
The more the ferris wheel turns the more the ups get shorter and the downs and conflicts get longer. This wears the relationship thin and dis-connection starts to appear in all forms, like filling time so that you don't have to spend it with your partner or worse still, finding solace in someone else. And at the bottom of every ferris wheel is the place where we can jump off. So why don't we ?
It's not about love when this occurs, it's about not having your needs met and being unwilling, on some levels, to make the changes necessary to give to your relationship what it needs to heal.
Steps for halting the ferris wheel :
1) Firstly, be totally honest with yourself. Is this the person you truly want to be with ? Or do you have different life goals and feel that your partner is not going in the same direction ? If you really don't think there is a future then communicate with your partner. This saves time and future heartache believe me.
2) During the honeymoon period. LISTEN with logic as well as the heart. What are the messages your partner is giving you about themselves. Many times I didn't listen only to hurt myself on this very point !
3) If you both are committed to making it work then communicate effectively. I can teach you how. Please contact me.
4) Think about "what can I give to this relationship" rather than "what can I take from it". Act on that ! What you resist, persists.
5) When things arise in your relationship that stir deep emotion. Don't react ! Engaging brain before mouth. If you can, remove yourself from the scene and take a few moments to go within. Sit with the feelings that arise and observe them without reacting. Remain balanced and let the feelings arise and subside which they will do. All that rises passes away. It is the cycle of life and the same goes for emotions. Eventually after some practise, these once powerful emotions, will no longer have the effect they used to have and will not control you.
6) Hold a mirror to yourself and ask "what is it that my partner brings up in me that's unresolved ?" What are the feelings that really irk you when you have ferris wheel issues ? Can you admit them to yourself and more importantly your partner ? The beauty of being vulnerable enough to express what's really at the heart of your emotion, will help greatly. Find a quiet place and moment to really let your barriers down and try telling your partner what you feel.
7) Don't blame and project onto your partner, because it's your feelings that matter at that moment, take responsibility for them. Tell your partner how you feel, not what they need to do to change...it never works !
8) Watch your voice tone....it's always how you say it !
9) Communication, communication, communication
This is the scene....you are in a relationship that is beyond the honeymoon period, where the rose coloured spectacles, viewing your once perfect partner, are now off and the proverbial relationship sleeves are rolled up ready for the next stage. Some call it the power struggle, where the real business of getting to know each other kicks in.
The power struggle is inherent in every relationship, to varying degrees, depending on previous life experience, but I see a cyclical pattern that emerges time and again, where people feel as though they are never moving forward but just repeating the same old situations and things.
So there you are going round in circles or round the ferris wheel with each other, saying the same old things and resisting at the same points. Why should you change...it's not me it's him/her...if only they would get it...derrr ! The ups and the downs reflect your journey around the wheel. But repeating the wheel only serves to take the relationship in one direction and that's down, not forward.
In my experience the ferris wheel turns because neither party is prepared to change, or can't see what they are doing to create their part in it. They are not only taking, but destroying the delicacy of the emotional bond in the relationship.
Sometimes, from the outset, both parties have actually laid out their life stall and in reality are not a match for future life aspirations and goals, but the "blindness" that seems ingrained in the initial stage of romantic love, glosses over these very important facts. The ferris wheel can then occur because deep down each person is not being fulfilled because simply, they want different things. I have a dear friend who is experiencing this now. The life differences mean that her and her partner can't quite move forward, because what they both desire for fulfillment, is not the same.
The more the ferris wheel turns the more the ups get shorter and the downs and conflicts get longer. This wears the relationship thin and dis-connection starts to appear in all forms, like filling time so that you don't have to spend it with your partner or worse still, finding solace in someone else. And at the bottom of every ferris wheel is the place where we can jump off. So why don't we ?
It's not about love when this occurs, it's about not having your needs met and being unwilling, on some levels, to make the changes necessary to give to your relationship what it needs to heal.
Steps for halting the ferris wheel :
1) Firstly, be totally honest with yourself. Is this the person you truly want to be with ? Or do you have different life goals and feel that your partner is not going in the same direction ? If you really don't think there is a future then communicate with your partner. This saves time and future heartache believe me.
2) During the honeymoon period. LISTEN with logic as well as the heart. What are the messages your partner is giving you about themselves. Many times I didn't listen only to hurt myself on this very point !
3) If you both are committed to making it work then communicate effectively. I can teach you how. Please contact me.
4) Think about "what can I give to this relationship" rather than "what can I take from it". Act on that ! What you resist, persists.
5) When things arise in your relationship that stir deep emotion. Don't react ! Engaging brain before mouth. If you can, remove yourself from the scene and take a few moments to go within. Sit with the feelings that arise and observe them without reacting. Remain balanced and let the feelings arise and subside which they will do. All that rises passes away. It is the cycle of life and the same goes for emotions. Eventually after some practise, these once powerful emotions, will no longer have the effect they used to have and will not control you.
6) Hold a mirror to yourself and ask "what is it that my partner brings up in me that's unresolved ?" What are the feelings that really irk you when you have ferris wheel issues ? Can you admit them to yourself and more importantly your partner ? The beauty of being vulnerable enough to express what's really at the heart of your emotion, will help greatly. Find a quiet place and moment to really let your barriers down and try telling your partner what you feel.
7) Don't blame and project onto your partner, because it's your feelings that matter at that moment, take responsibility for them. Tell your partner how you feel, not what they need to do to change...it never works !
8) Watch your voice tone....it's always how you say it !
9) Communication, communication, communication
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