Whats Your New Year Survival Strategy ?

Happy New Year everyone !

I hope your Christmas was filled with all that makes you happy and that you are looking forward, not back, to a life that is always so precious and full of promise. 2010 is predicted to be a year of us being where we are meant to be and settling into our "groove" in life. Does it feel that way for you or are you still holding back what is meant for you ?

My reason for writing this article is because very tragically and suddenly I lost a dear friend this Christmas. His passing and what I can only assume must have been in very troubled internal circumstances, left me wondering about the walls of defence to love that we so ardently build around ourselves and carry through life with the perception that they will prevent us from pain and sorrow. But what of a defence if it only serves ultimately to isolate us and starve us from love and indeed life ?

I heard the phrase "survival strategy" on a relationship communication course run by an extraordinary human being in early December, called Hedy Schleifer. Our survival strategy, a better way to describe defences, she says, prevents us from truly engaging in life and can harm our relationships with our partners and loved ones as we try and protect our delicate hearts from pain.

Survival strategies start building from birth crucially through our first key relationship with our caretakers or parents. The reactions from our caretakers to our natural behaviours as babies and children through each stage of growth can produce, what Imago Relationship Therapy calls, the "fragmented self" which comprises the lost, denied and disowned parts of our personality that we keep hidden because we have been told that it is not right to feel this or express that. So as we strive to become accepted and loved in our world, we fragment from our true nature.

For example, if a child is told it is inappropriate to express anger in any way, that child will grow up disowning that part of him and among other symptoms can suffer with depression later in life because he can't express the full range of emotions necessary to lead a happy and healthy life. This "wounding" during childhood starts us on a path to constructing defences or survival strategies as we try and prevent this wounding from occurring again. We can and will hide our true essence for fear of it not being appropriate to others and of certain "death" of who we are, should we not conform. As we grow older and form relationships with partners, our truest mirror of where we are at on all levels, survival strategies can build into hugely complicated behaviours that manifest in all sorts of ways.

To explain all this, I will call on one of my past and best survival strategies which looks like this and people.. it's a common one ! Current boyfriend would say or do something that triggered my fear of losing his love. I would react by saying words to push him away, usually by text and threatening to the health of the relationship. My tactic in this particular strategy was to get him to run after me and prove how much he loved me and would never leave. A temporary sticking plaster over the gaping wound of lack of love from my dear dad, as I grew up. A huge fear that was white in nature. Not having a man's love felt like crippling pain beyond comprehension.

To continue....my man was just supposed to get it....derrr ! What would follow, if he was reacting with his survival plan and not giving me love, was for me to push and verbally kick even harder. Then if that didn't work I initiated the next part of the strategy... the wall of silence. Mobile and landline switched to my dulcet tones on answer phone. Let him wonder what I am up to ...ha ! Then the painful waiting game...he can damn well contact me first ! He upset me and he's gonna pay by not having me around until he learns. Blah.... !

I often waited ages and my last serious boyfriend, until my relationship light bulb went on, was a true mirror. He just did the same thing right back and so the defences grew higher and higher...who would be the first to give in ?! I usually broke first because my fear was greater than his. In the end this constant parade wore away at the delicate nature of the truth of our love and it ended. You create what you fear is indeed one of the truest sayings I know. I have done it many times ! This strategy was total agony and so lonely. Those around always tried to support me and were always amazing.

The psychology of my defence, was healing waiting to happen and the only place for that was sitting down in truth and commitment with my man and working together to heal from the past. But that's not easy to do when you don't know what's happening and why. 

This scenario may sound way too familiar to you. My advice would be to educate yourself about what is happening and about the past but trying to understand it and your strategies may take a little time and effort. Survival strategies can inflict great pain on your partner. Arguments are the clashing of strategies, nothing more nothing less and are irrelevant and most of all...devoid of love.

So how do you spot the survival strategies in yourself and others ?

Notice your patterns with your current partner or past relationships. Do you have a familiar way of behaving in negative situations that make you feel bad or lonely deep down but you can't help yourself but to react ? That is your survival strategy. I have a friend who, when I sometimes ask probing questions about an issue with her boyfriend, more often than not will say things to make it look like she is fine but she clearly is fibbing to herself and me. It's often an energy ...you just know...oops...survival strategy being deployed ! I have also met people over the years who will not let a partner "back in" again if they dare to trigger their deep pain, even once. The survival strategy just cuts them off...period. Ouch !

I have also witnessed friends and acquaintances whose survival strategy is to serial date, running from one person to another to avoid any depth in connection albeit that having alot of sex is one of the goals. Maybe you are this person and if you are, although a certain amount of having lots of partners might win you short term satisfaction or street cred, are you honouring yourself by keeping yourself protected behind the defences you have built ?

My advice is just to observe and know that even though you may be trying to protect yourself from perceived pain and loss, the final result is mostly isolation and unhappiness. Seems mad, because the intent is to prevent, but in reality it causes that which you seek to avoid.

If you are single, practise observing your reactions to friends, family and even colleagues. If you go to put up a defence, explore why you feel compelled to engage your survival strategy. What's at the root cause...be honest ? You may be surprised by the answers. Once you have observed and noted your strategies ask yourself where from your past did they start to appear ? You may not find that one out in a day but knowing and being aware is the first step towards the willingness to change the future.

Practise being brave enough to communicate how you feel to people. This is essential, otherwise how are they going to know what the heck is going on with you ? People are not mind readers...sadly !.... we need it in plain language that makes sense. What would you like to be the outcome of that particular situation ?

If you are in a couple, communicate every time from a place of calm. Say how you feel when the need to engage your survival strategy rears up. It takes some practise because the emotions can be strong but changing the way you act is essential in changing the way things go. Never wait for your partner to change the dance, so to speak. Blaze a trail every time for change. You feel better and better as you take charge and break your defences. And letting your partner in will build trust and closeness. How good is that !

What would you look like if you had no survival strategies ? You would be the real you, with only love to radiate and no fear of receiving that which is there for you in abundance.

And finally I leave you with this question. If your survival strategies are left to live an untamed life and one day you reach your death bed where you lay exhausted from all the self protection behind your well guarded walls, would anyone have ever known the real, glorious, amazing, extraordinarily loving being that you are ?

Single And Happy This Christmas ?

I sat down to write today and have changed the title so many times ! There is just so much to discuss in the fascinating world of love and relationships, but I couldn't let Christmas go by without writing something apt. My word bag is slowly starting to open so who knows where this will end up!


Thankfully, I say that now, I have hung up the Christmas party "man-hunting" boots, in favour of a satisfied and happy inner glow and glass of mulled wine around the Christmas tree with my lovely mum, friends and of course Becky Woo, my angelic dog. I have one Christmas run up date in the dizzy diary with my bestest friend Jules, for a meal and few drinks out, but that's it.

Am I happy being single this Christmas ? I am blissfully happy being me, is my answer to that. I don't NEED love from another to MAKE me happy anymore. Hoorah ! But it took me 23 years to work it out.

I am the biggest fan of love you will find and believe whole heartedly and with every living cell that being with someone to share life with, is our Divine Calling. If it wasn't there would be hardly any movies, songs, dating agencies... blah blah. Love does and always will be our number motivation for life. We are love, nothing more, nothing less.

Feeling inwardly complete is truly amazing. It affords you the blessing of being able to love without the conditions. There is now room on the path next to me, to walk in freedom and growth with someone else. Someone who will be my mirror and show me how best I can become an even more amazing human being. Now that type of relationship really floats my boat ! It's where it's at and the ONLY type of fulfilling partnership you will have. The one with yourself. Fancy some of that ? Read on.....

Singledom is only a label anyway...we were born single and will "go out" single. We are always with ourselves and yet connected on every level with everything and everyone. It's funny, but “single” conjures up for me, the lone part of a whole. "I am single" you put on insurance forms, but what's the opposite of that...whole, double ?

Are we meant to be single ? That's an interesting question...comments welcome. Those seeking spiritual enlightenment are often single and choosing to develop and grow alone. Maybe it is because their growth is accelerated, but from my travels I have experienced many "spiritually" awake people who don't necessarily have luck in love and therefore choose to stay single to avoid pain. I digress...

So there you are all dressed up to the nines and ready for the stretched limo to come and take you out "wiv da girls" for the works Chrissy party or boys, a trip to the local. What do you have in mind ? Fun, food, a shed load of alcohol and a little flirtation with the opposite sex maybe...don't deny it...it's what makes the evening much more enjoyable ! Been there many times. In fact many singles go out with the absolute intention of meeting someone new. I did. What a great way to spend Christmas, all wrapped up in new love !

But take a moment, before you depart for Club Christmas Do and question the inner voice...you maybe kidding yourself that "oh I just wanna have fun and don't care about meeting someone"...but can you be sure that is YOUR truth ? If not then be honest, is being with that special someone really what you want ? Unless you sit in truth with yourself everyday, chances are life will remain full of you kidding yourself and that only harms you. Putting out an image of “I am a free party girl/boy” won’t get you love, probably oodles of sex, but that’s it. Cool…a lot of guys would say that’s exactly what I want ! Well ok, but long term, I know that won’t be anywhere near fulfilling. What of intimate connection if it is devoid of love ?

I would ALWAYS go out hoping to meet someone, even though I would never tell anyone. It was my secret inner child hope. I dressed to kill (eek sounds so horrid now !) and went out like a predator into the night, hoping to find that person to love me. With the NEED on full alert I would more often than not find someone, but never the right person and ladies, men smell need a mile off !

Need is not love and needing is a display of what is lacking in your own self love. How many times have people said to you "You can't love another, until you love yourself" ? It's an ancient saying and one I never used to get at all. Of course I love myself I would protest ! But then the measure of my need was always on display because I didn't realise that no man, no matter how gorgeous, could ever fulfil my own desire to love me.

So, at this point, you have either established, in an honest moment, that yes you do want to find someone to love and we will talk about that briefly later, or no Gina I am happy being single....well I challenge you again...is that really true ?

In Harville Hendrix's book, Keeping the Love You Find, is an excellent analogy. He says that singledom is the moratorium period between relationships. I love that ! It's not to say you have got to be in a relationship at all, you can do in life as you please, but to a certain extent as we leave one relationship, we apply the principal, "phew thank God that's over, he/she was a pain in the ass" and "I just wanna do things when and how I want" and that’s the reason for being single not because actually being single makes you happy. Get my point ? Fine for now but again long term, we start to search again.

In the book, Getting the Love You Want, one of my life changing reads, Harville Hendrix explains that our first experience of true separation is at birth, when we become physically detached from our mother and from then we are set on a path to regain that connection once more. A deeply inspiring thought and perhaps that is where our innate longing and need for love comes from. I could go into stuff about our connection to the Divine and that being the only real connection there is, but I would leave a few of you behind and well that is a subject for another day.

Establishing that you do want to be in a relationship, brings up a heap of questions from me, such as; what are you attracting and have attracted in present and past partners ? Do you know yourself and are you being who you really are ? What are the unhealed parts of you ?

Self enquiry and growth is the only way to engender change so you can be part of better, more fulfilling and happy relationships in the future. Conscious Union is all about you, your return to authenticity and an understanding of where you have come from and where you are going in love.

A workshop in January 10 ( please see my web site for details) will help your singledom become a place that I have reached. One of completeness, self honour, self respect and an understanding of why I have done what I have done and finally of acceptance and inner peace but with an openness to attract true love when the time is right.

And finally if you are happy being single or should I say just happy being you and have reached the place I have, then I raise a very hearty glass to you this Christmas and say welcome home to you.

Have a safe and love filled Christmas from Conscious Union. Namaste x