Feel it, Don't intellectualize it.

I have been wonderfully engrossed in some fascinating conversations lately with people who are at varying stages of their relationship journey. Some are happy and content, what a joy ! Some are "bumbling along" and some are in the middle of a tricky separation and having to explain what's going on to their partner and loved ones.

For those who are experiencing the pain of troubles in love, the explaining part is quite a challenge when you think about it, because it is feelings that we are trying to convey but on a platform of intellectuality, tinged with intended rationality so that others can try and understand. A difficult predicament ! How do you feel with words ? Is love a feeling or a word we use to describe it ? And if is a word then what is the feeling that comes so powerfully with it ? Chicken and egg.

I am observing a client at the moment who is breaking up from a very long term marriage on the grounds that "the certain thing" they once used to feel for their partner is no longer there. And when the injured party is looking for a rational explanation, how do you explain what is essentially a feeling that once was there and now isn't ? But "feeling it" is the guiding force to a happier life, ultimately, although the pain of getting there can be enormous. It’s a mystery when feelings “just” change, but if we resist it, the discomfort persists. Is it destiny calling ? Who really knows but change is inherent in our world and at an incredibly past pace nowadays. Humanity is rapidly developing and living life by feelings tends to be the fashion. But what a wonderful fashion !

Although traditionally we believed men to be the ones who find it hard to express feelings, we are all human beings with the same physiological capacity to feel. Thankfully things are changing rapidly. Gender stereotypes and history dictate that women are generally the nurturer/carers with a built-in ability to really understand emotions, but in a partnership relating feelings are a critical part of good communication. When you explain how you feel, it is owned by you and you can't be blamed or indeed blame, for just simply feeling a certain way.

Feelings are experienced on a physical level first as sensations, then our brain interprets into words what we feel. We are prone to react quickly when we feel intense emotions but how often do we really listen to our feeling centre, some may call it the heart centre and let it be our guide through life ? Would we be much happier if we did ? I know I am and try to more and more in daily life as well as in relationship with others.

I invite you to ponder this..your love relationship is your greatest teacher, of the self and your greatest potential for growth. Reflect for a moment on a current or previous relationship and ask yourself, have the emotional/feeling challenges helped you to really know yourself better ? I look back at my complex and varied portfolio of relationships and say a huge YES to that one ! Feelings help you connect more deeply within and therefore if "used" wisely can be the way to a happier and more fulfilled life.

The feeling centre or in spiritual terms, the soul, seems to be a huge guiding force propelling us forward despite protestations from the mind. The mind/heart balance is a critical one. What percentage would you say your mind and heart are in relation to the other ?

The mind is intrinsically linked with the interesting nature of the ego. Ego to many may mean, "I am better than you" but without ego we wouldn't get up in the morning. We need a certain amount of ego to help us develop in life, but keeping it in check becomes a necessity as we move through life otherwise it will patrol the front line of the mind, sabotaging anything it doesn't like. It can be the bad angel on your shoulder knocking lumps out of your self esteem and will try and push feelings out the way to get what it wants. The ego tends to push away feelings of discomfort and will happily make up stories about the past and the future to satisfy it's own desires. If left unchecked, feelings and the mind/ego partnership can be unhappily divorced and the result is an inner split and deeper unhappiness and discontent. A war zone within then creates a war zone "without".

Sounds funny to be analysing the "self" in such a detached way, but in educating yourself about how your feelings and mind work, could be the key to unlocking some of the blocks which prevent you from having healthy conscious relationships and true inner peace and contentment.

Who would you be if your feelings were to the leading light in your life ? The mind in balance, working along side the heart would be utopia if humanity were to get smart and be willing to change. To many however, this would be too scary for words, because the life they have created is based on the needs and desires of others and not what they feel instinctively. It takes a brave person to live life from the feeling centre.

But we must ask ourselves if we continue to live life with inner discontent because we are ignoring what we really feel, then are we going further away from the point of being here in the first place ? Earth is a school of continuous learning. Would you rather flunk out or be the best you can possibly be and gain the highest achievement...inner freedom and happiness ? Your choice. Let your feelings be the trail blazer in your life !

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam

May All Beings Be Happy

Look Before You Fall

Inspired by countless stories of friends and acquaintances jumping into relationships without "assessing" the scene, I have come to the conclusion, that to save us from self induced heartache we must indeed look before we fall in love. If possible.

Easy to say when the emotions stirred by seeing that beautiful face across a crowded room, rocket to the surface. But using a touch of logic and a big helping of discernment could save you quite literally, especially if you are a person who keeps repeating the same patterns in the choice of partner.

Meeting people seems so easy these days. There are a plethora of places to find "love". Speed dating, on line or just the good old fashioned bars/clubs, to name a few. But what are we looking for ? During my recent research generally women say love, despite their age and men say a mixture of sex and love depending on where they are at in life. With this in mind there is a large chance we will be at odds with the people we meet, but most of us never try to find out early on and often it's too late for the heart when it's fallen.

I was a prize winner at "jumping in with both feet" without looking too carefully. I ALWAYS looked for love and commitment, but found alot of sex and not much else. My well practised routine of working the room and finding someone who matched my party girl, frivolous image, was rolled out time and again. What I gave out I certainly got back. I was attracted to exciting, vivacious, good looking men with an edge, who knew how to attract hoards of women. Even though I denied it, friends insisted that I loved the "dangerous" types. "Oh no !" I said, but they were right. I had heaps of fun and don't regret a minute of all the experiences, but alot of pain came with the pleasure. 

The pain was always because I chose the unusual, challenging, different, devastatingly good looking, complicated and those who were rarely looking to settle down. I know now that all these elements were in me to a lesser or greater degree, hence the strong attraction, but I just went for it all the same !

But if we are looking for a committed loving relationship then why don't we stick to our mental list of criteria when we meet someone ? What makes us go back for more and even more when the signs are often glaringly obvious that this person is not going to make good marriage material ?

Well it has a whole lot to do with unconscious choices made up of experiences from our childhood. Experiences that have made us adapt to life because we didn't get some of our needs met by our parents/caretakers. As adults looking for partners in which to have lasting relationships, part of our brain is programmed to seek out those who match traits, particularly the negative ones, of our caretakers. Once a target has been identified we seek healing for those unmet needs and lost parts of ourselves, in our new partner. Look at your current partner and ask yourself, what about this person reminds me of my mum/dad ? You will be surprised by the similarities. My workshops will tell you more about this fascinating area of partner choice, but it is too big a subject to elaborate here.

On a conscious level there is alot we can do to be a little more discerning :

1) Firstly ask yourself what you are looking for. Is it a serious relationship with marriage as the goal, or just someone to have fun with now and again ? Don't say fun when you really mean love. Attracting someone on a false pretence will only lead to you getting hurt.
2) Look at what you give out to people when you are out. Do you display someone who is looking for a committed relationship ? Yes it comes down to simple things like dress. What is your shop window displaying ?
3) Stand back and look longer than you normally would when you meet someone. If it is in a bar, look at what they are giving out. Obviously flirty, wowing the crowd, talking to lots of members of the opposite sex, could be giving off vibes of party animal and not Mr/Mrs Commitment. Sounds obvious but we can all be attracted like magnets to these people.
4) Spend time getting to know the person you meet BEFORE you take the plunge. Is he/she in the right place to have a committed relationship ? Look out for very recent relationship breaks with others. This may well interfere with yours especially if there are unresolved issues. Relationships starting with old unsevered ties can be painful. Been there too many times ?
5) Is this person looking for the same things as you ? This is a biggie. You don't have to go right in there and ask on a first date, but use searching questions to get a picture of where they are at in life. Does it match your life plan ?
6) Ladies, stay out of bed for a while ok. Getting intimate too quickly and I stress here, in general, can take the guy's eye off the commitment ball. Getting naked with someone is, in essence, a sacred experience and so making a guy wait will let him know you don't just give out to anyone. Sounds old fashioned but remember, man the hunter still !
7) Work on yourself and become fully conscious of who you are. Unless you understand yourself and why you attract the people you do, repeat painful patterns could continue.
8) Honour yourself and know that you are worth more than a million diamonds. Don't settle for people and relationships that are not serving your highest good.

And lastly I would offer that love is in abundance where we seek abundance. Look for gold not silver every time and believe that the deepest, truest, most fulfilling love is out there when you become it first.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam
May All Beings Be Happy