The Perfection Infection

Think of a time when you were first dating someone you eventually went on to spend some life path time with. Ahhh remember the heady days of the romantic stage, fondly known as the honeymoon period. He/she could do no wrong, you noticed every little detail about the way they walked, talked and dressed and you positively brimmed over with pride and lust and maybe a sprinkling of early love! Your body was feeding you with love hormones and everything was just rosy in nest heaven.

Then one morning you wake and roll over to find that your honey isn’t looking quite so hot and the dialogue starts in your head. “I really must tell him to get his beard trimmed”, “long chest hair really isn’t in these days, it’s so 80’s!”, “not that tie-dye shirt again!”, “I really don’t like that deodorant he uses”. Now, part of you is shocked at how you really didn’t see this before but the other half is saying “well the little changes will make him better”…..but better for who? Maybe he likes long chest hair, tie-dye shirts (now that’s a tough one….lol) and Brut deodorant!

Now I will write my observation, gentlemen that it seems to be us girls that need the perfection infection ointment more than you do, but c’mon I know you have made a little tweak here and there eh? One of the biggest things men complain about is the frustration of being pressured to change in some way. But we all know that chasing around trying to change image or behaviours to suit others’ happiness is NOT the answer because it never stops.

A friend of mine and I have laughed many times about how we needed our partners looking hot to trot and a bad haircut or a flabby body or Primark clothing just ain’t acceptable. Another friend who I used to work with would break up with a guy if he was wearing the “wrong” watch or the “wrong” socks. It is funny but can be an OCD when it gets that out of order!

I KNOW you have been there, so as you sit there tittering, think about the subtle little things that have crept up on you both where you have felt totally compelled to make a change request to your other half. We have ALL done it. I admit it is hard not to. I find myself justifying subtle requests to my boyfriend even now. Thankfully he is so comfortable with himself that it is a choice he knows he has to honour himself every time whether it feels good to make a change or not. Good for him!

There are degrees though. Image change requests come in various forms from completely new hair cuts and wardrobes down to a minor beard trim or change of lipstick colour perhaps. Behaviours are harder because they are often ingrained and change requests on that level can and will irk at childhood and past wounds and only the right dialogue can sort it out.

So if your partner is trying to change you, what can you do?

My number one answer would be, take time to be with their comments and see how it feels to you. Does it suddenly make you feel deflated or if you admit it, yeah they have got a point and maybe even the change would be good! Maybe I do need to look at my wardrobe or think about spoiling for a few less rows. If you resist every time you will only make it harder. Now I am not saying go on change to suit your partner but feeling the inner stirrings of intuition you will get a hit of whether it feels good or bad.

If you constantly reject your loved one’s comments then maybe you do need to look a little further within and ask yourself, where does this come from? Is it helping our relationship if I do this? If you constantly change at every uttering of your partner then again, self inquire. Many people will blame others for showing them stuff about themselves and simply refuse to learn whatever lesson is there to learn. Fine, we all have free will apparently (I could contest that one though!) so we can make it difficult or easy. It’s a choice. Everything on the surface is like an iceberg, deeper meaning is always present. You have every answer inside of you, but getting involved and engaging in the dramas of the mind will never afford you the space to be still and simply notice.

If you really want to keep your image nuances and certain attitudes, because it feels ok with you, then boundaries are important. It’s OK TO BE YOU and so with gentle and kind dialogue you can thank your partner for their comments, or use the dialogue technique I offered in a past blog. This will keep your relational space healthy and your identity and personality in tact. Win win!

Every person you have ever met or spent time with is a mirror for you and the way you deal with that can be a good experience every time if you choose. It’s just your story and perception that can make learning either bad or good. Think about it. Stories are just that and oh boy the mind is full of them. How often have you simply observed the inner dialogue of the mind on any given day and marvelled at your mind’s ability to whip you here and there and get you to believe and emote from its incessant ramblings.

When we believe the stories then we are caught in a movie that can swing out of control very easily. So for example, when your beloved says in a lovely way “darling I really think this colour shirt suits you not that one” watch your story…you may think “why oh why does she insist on disagreeing with me” or “hey yeah she’s got a point I do look good in this”. See? It’s all stories really, so keep open in every moment and observe your minds urge to jump to negativity. Byron Katie, a prominent figure in the field of awakening human consciousness, has a process called The Work which will help you blast through the stories that keep you suffering. http://www.thework.com/index.php

And if you are the one with a mild or acute dose of the perfection infection, what can you do?

I am not one to dish out practical dos and don’t because my belief is that all ailments of this kind start from within us so….

Observe yourself. Notice and become aware of the underlying thoughts and feelings that build into words that flow out of your mouth before you have had good time to understand what is happening at a deeper level. Be still and feel it wherever it arises in your body and stay with it until is passes. The law of nature is impermanence, whatever rises, passes away and that goes for emotions. Whenever you feel urges or feelings, however good or bad they appear, they always disappear eventually. Watch yourself and see that we are simply blended with nature just as every animal or plant.

Respect your partner’s boundaries. The quality of your communication in terms of words and body language is all important. One thing many people struggle with in life is being able to be fully authentic, and that can’t be born if you are constantly trying to make changes to your honey. Allow them to invite you in. Imagine a boundary around someone’s property. You wouldn’t leap the fence and run amuck in the garden un-invited, now would you!

Try a little self acceptance. Look at where you are constantly trying to make YOU perfect, because the infection starts and ends within. You may be nagging yourself at all angles about how you look, dress and behave with others without realising it and oh boy that’s tiring! A heck a lot of energy is expended through self talk, doubt and being inwardly harsh. Give yourself a break! Notice your tendency to self berate. Inward dissatisfaction nearly always appears as projections onto your loved one.

Find some joy in everything you say and do. The dance of your relationship can be an easy one if you always approach your beau with an intention to love and honour them every time you communicate. I think we all try and alter our partners in someway and probably always will. Some things will improve and feel great and some not. I liken these idiosyncrasies in life to the rich tapestry of learning that comes our way. There is learning in every moment of every day, that’s Earth school for you. So you can ruin it with negative stories or have regular “ah ha!” moments and marvel at the wonders of what life brings you. It’s a choice.

Lastly I believe that living with the mind is a task of gradual and life long mastery. It will try to sabotage you and tell you what’s not right and what you should do in every situation. Not easy when you think that it lives in your head (apparently)! The collective mind once created world wars and kept humanity chained to misery, but gradually we are learning and changing and dropping into our hearts more and more. Think of times when you are touched to your deepest place by someone or something and in that moment how the mind seems irrelevant, because you feel enough love to fill the Universe.

For your amusement and finally...at the time of writing I asked my boyfriend to cast his keen eye over this article, because I value his opinion on what I write about. I was packing boxes at his flat and all went very quiet for a very long time at his laptop. With curiosity I went to see what he was doing only to find him ‘mmmming’ and ‘errrrring’ over some changes that he thought might be useful....we both fell about laughing. I rest my case.

Blessings and love

God and your Relationship – 3 doesn’t have to be a crowd

Those first glorious moments of spiritual or religious awakening can be huge. As we begin to open and seek our true ”selves” we start to ask questions such as “who am I?” or “why am I here?”. The first experience that connects you to your inner self is one of the most, or maybe best of your life and it’s only natural you want to share it. You find yourself reviewing jobs, friends, values, beliefs and your relationship tends to come under the spotlight very quickly because often your dear heart is the first to be affected by the chrysalis of the “new me” starting to form.

The changes however can often cause us to fall out of sync with our partner resulting in conflict and a new attitude of “but my way is a better way for both of us darling”. The one who is awakening can become spiritually egoistic and develop a bad case of spiritual righteousness and will try to drag their partner to all sorts of events and meditation groups in an effort to “help” them find God among the incense and “Om”ing and tell them what to eat to raise “their vibration” to a higher level. It is no wonder then that many partners want to *** off eventually!

As an educator, I see many couples with the “dragger and draggee” disease often manifesting as a tiring tug o’ war game. Generally, but not exclusively, the awakened ones happen to be the women who get terribly distressed because after a weekend retreat or workshop, for example, hubby is not ready to brim over with the same excitement and enthusiasm that their inner journey has cleared out another morsel of their emotional closet. “My needs are not being met”, “I don’t feel heard”, “He just doesn’t get it” are some of the clichéd words I often hear and at some level they believe their partner is frequently resisting the urge to phone the nearest rehab clinic which makes them feel like a freak. Not easy.

I have a dear friend who was persuaded by her husband to go to the doctor because he believed there was something radically wrong with her and she obviously needed pills! It may sound funny but it can become a matter of psycho analysis that can drive both parties nuts as a gradual erosion of what was a generally happy and content relationship, takes place as the newly God filled person races ahead.

At this point I would offer that, in terms of my own personal experience in spiritual awakening, that “it” or God, if you will, chose me not the other way around. I believe we don’t’ have a choice in awakening. You can choose kicking or screaming as the route or the let go and surrender one. Often we bounce between the two dragging our partner by the hair. Ouch!

7 years ago my dear dad passed and with that deep experience came a very natural and effortless meeting of people, courses, books that would create my future. I have loved and agonised over my spiritual development but somewhere deep in me that requires no understanding is a truth that this is exactly where I want to be beyond all things and even relationships with people in general. I believe I am at consequence to a greater force and going with the flow through whatever comes is the easiest route…although it takes practise!

Where I am today is undoubtedly the happiest and most content place so far on “my path”. Has my growth affected my relationships? You bet. Every time. I have been in more than a couple of relationships since I “woke up” which I feel now to be learning grounds, not regrets. In the background I was being propelled along by somewhat unconscious forces, meeting lots of people, reading and qualifying at various complimentary therapies and in the middle of it all was still having trouble in my love life but making the excuse that “well he’s not as spiritual as me, so no wonder this relationship isn’t working” as a way to explain my failing partnerships. I thought I knew better than them and indeed perhaps yes growth rates were different, but different to what?

Many times I have heard “we are all spiritual beings having a human experience” so none of us can claim to be more spiritual than the other really if that story has any grain of truth. But it is so easy to fall into a trap of judging the rights and wrongs of others based on what you believe to be the truth or the right way of life. When we judge from a perceived religious or spiritual angle it is just as harmful as judging about anything else. Don’t forget that truly God like people radiate endless love, compassion and understanding. They rarely judge. They are humble and don’t feel the need to preach or convert the unwashed.

Symbiotic relationships are those that function on great attachment and a feeling of needing the other to fulfil happiness and desires. These relationships can suffer the greatest casualties when one partner starts to understand that happiness does come from within first and the other person wonders what the heck has become of their once needy and comfortable partner.

So how can we become more aware of our spiritual or religious transformation while preserving and strengthening our relationship?

Firstly try to practise the art of allowing. Allow your partner to be different. Your hobby of new found awakening is just yours. I call it a hobby for purposes of comparison with perhaps golf, tennis or tiddly winks that may stir the heart of your boy/girlfriend. You may never see any joy or fun in buying the latest putter but to them it’s as much an elixir in terms of inner joy as the latest writings of Byron Katie.

Understand that your metamorphosis can cause insecurity and worries for your loved one. Take the time to listen and understand their concerns and always the right communication (as discussed in previous articles) will see you both through anything, given a good lump of love and understanding.

Never be under the illusion that your partner should think or be like you. Symbiotic relationships are ultimately unhappy. Differentiation is healthy and the only way forward. Loving your partner because they are different must be the goal. Loving someone warts n all is a challenge for sure, but in the accepting of them you accept yourself. What a relief in the long run!

An age old saying I know but put yourself in your partners shoes as much as you can. For example, don’t assume that changing your house and relationship space into little India will make your partner eventually see the Light. If you came home to find a putting green installed in the middle of your living room, I am sure you would have something to say about it!

By all means share your life together but in a give and take way. Avoid the tendency to know best about God and the Universe, because whatever you have read is only another person’s take on it, a story in essence. Your interpretation of what you know is just that, so share it with your honey rather than ram it as the new gospel according to you. We all have a path that we have an inner yearning to follow whatever are our passions and desires and no one human is the same as another so what fires me won’t be the same as my man but in sharing life it means we can enjoy some of the same things and others we do with others or alone. How good is that!

And lastly one of the biggest and most interesting observations I have made is that even if a couple are following the same spiritual or religious persuasion the relationship is not guaranteed to be a happily ever after.

The educational work I do with couple theorises that healing and growth into wholeness and to complete the unfinished business of childhood, is its ultimate goal. Through suffering in the past you may find yourself on a spiritual or religious path to give you an anchor and a feeling of safety and at all costs you are going to hang onto that as the only right way to be when you enter a relationship. Certain tools or methods may work for you when you experience the next difficult place in life but not your partner and if you are both trying to “tool” each other then you have double whammy know-alls thinking they know best.

As I have mentioned already I believe we are being guided and shown the way every day of our lives and our deepest instinct is the compass for life so simply loving the now and the person you are with is all you can do…let go.

Is Love Something to Obtain ?

I get an overriding sense these days, upon observation of the many trials and tribulations in 21st Century relationships, that the ultimate goal is about getting love from a partner like it is something to be owned....a possession or a thing; but how that method is working less and less and causing more and more angst and tug o’ war games.

The meaning of human existence and our drive for connectedness with others and to receive and give love is a universal. Many spiritual masters talk of us "being love". They say we cannot NOT be connected and we cannot NOT be love....so if that is true, why is there so much strife in the arena of love relationships where the focus appears to be on extracting love from the other ? No wonder it causes conflict and is painful !

I believe, we really do spend disproportionate amounts of time trying to "get" love. I witness and talk with people who come and see me for educational work, who are way outside of their true selves because they seem to be working for love like the coal miners do at the coal face. Picture the scene.

A common thread certainly throughout my life, but lately listening to my single clients, is this... “Being alone doesn’t feel right. There is something missing.” I really do get that. I used to say it ALL the time and cry over movies with happy endings, wishing and longing to find that certain someone.

But all along it was only the “feeling” of love within me that was perceived missing and so the mission of seek and find for that pearl in the oyster of another, continued. Maybe this feeling keeps us chained to a path of trying to find someone to get love from them, when they do turn up. Poor them, every time !

Many of my clients spend a heap of time talking to me about what their lover or past love didn't do for them and a whole lot more time telling me about what they said and did that made them unhappy. Because, I believe, their time is heavily invested in trying to get love and so the focus remains outside of themselves. If only we could work them out, we would get more love...right?! Like love is the ultimate treasure and all we need is the right map with “X marks the spot” ! Then sadly the emotional drilling commences to find love and hey presto conflict arises.

Getting anything from your partner will only end in tears eventually. It amounts to manipulation of another human being and nothing more. Trying to get love is like saying “I don’t have enough love and it’s your job to give it to me”. Wrong !

So, what am I saying ? We must start with inner love first. Easy to say, difficult to achieve. How many times have you heard, growing up, "you gotta love yourself, before you can love another". I used to say " I do !!!" with a frustrated tone, but really I didn't because I was always trying to get love and harming myself in the process.

So how do you learn to love yourself ? Is it really achievable ? Well yes but my only real teaching is this.

The road to self love comes through firstly self awareness and with that awareness how you can come home to and learn to love and accept yourself, with your relationship as the mirror and healer. If we "are love" then we need to be able to see it and our partner is our mirror for that. Maybe then, true self love comes with another person. When you feel deep love, your partner is just reflecting back to you what is coming from you. Maybe this is "being love" then we are no longer seeking it ? A thought to mull.

Gangaji, a truly incredible teacher of humanity says “what is here when I stop trying to get anything ? And how much of that is already here and where does that begin and end ? And...am I willing to trust that ?” She believes there is nothing we need to be, get or do and that our prayer must be for openness to ourselves in every moment. This is profound and “whoa !”, but the teaching is about knowing that all we need is right here in every moment, if we choose to see it. Self enquiry is the only way to realisation of the “self”, Gangaji believes. A life dedicated to the blessings of learning about yourself from all your relationships. What, in essence, could be better than that ?

So if the Law of Attraction and all it stands for, is working as they say it does, then we must become love in order to attract the same. Be love and you have love, there is nothing to seek.

Happy summer everyone !

Blessings and love