Is Love Something to Obtain ?

I get an overriding sense these days, upon observation of the many trials and tribulations in 21st Century relationships, that the ultimate goal is about getting love from a partner like it is something to be owned....a possession or a thing; but how that method is working less and less and causing more and more angst and tug o’ war games.

The meaning of human existence and our drive for connectedness with others and to receive and give love is a universal. Many spiritual masters talk of us "being love". They say we cannot NOT be connected and we cannot NOT be love....so if that is true, why is there so much strife in the arena of love relationships where the focus appears to be on extracting love from the other ? No wonder it causes conflict and is painful !

I believe, we really do spend disproportionate amounts of time trying to "get" love. I witness and talk with people who come and see me for educational work, who are way outside of their true selves because they seem to be working for love like the coal miners do at the coal face. Picture the scene.

A common thread certainly throughout my life, but lately listening to my single clients, is this... “Being alone doesn’t feel right. There is something missing.” I really do get that. I used to say it ALL the time and cry over movies with happy endings, wishing and longing to find that certain someone.

But all along it was only the “feeling” of love within me that was perceived missing and so the mission of seek and find for that pearl in the oyster of another, continued. Maybe this feeling keeps us chained to a path of trying to find someone to get love from them, when they do turn up. Poor them, every time !

Many of my clients spend a heap of time talking to me about what their lover or past love didn't do for them and a whole lot more time telling me about what they said and did that made them unhappy. Because, I believe, their time is heavily invested in trying to get love and so the focus remains outside of themselves. If only we could work them out, we would get more love...right?! Like love is the ultimate treasure and all we need is the right map with “X marks the spot” ! Then sadly the emotional drilling commences to find love and hey presto conflict arises.

Getting anything from your partner will only end in tears eventually. It amounts to manipulation of another human being and nothing more. Trying to get love is like saying “I don’t have enough love and it’s your job to give it to me”. Wrong !

So, what am I saying ? We must start with inner love first. Easy to say, difficult to achieve. How many times have you heard, growing up, "you gotta love yourself, before you can love another". I used to say " I do !!!" with a frustrated tone, but really I didn't because I was always trying to get love and harming myself in the process.

So how do you learn to love yourself ? Is it really achievable ? Well yes but my only real teaching is this.

The road to self love comes through firstly self awareness and with that awareness how you can come home to and learn to love and accept yourself, with your relationship as the mirror and healer. If we "are love" then we need to be able to see it and our partner is our mirror for that. Maybe then, true self love comes with another person. When you feel deep love, your partner is just reflecting back to you what is coming from you. Maybe this is "being love" then we are no longer seeking it ? A thought to mull.

Gangaji, a truly incredible teacher of humanity says “what is here when I stop trying to get anything ? And how much of that is already here and where does that begin and end ? And...am I willing to trust that ?” She believes there is nothing we need to be, get or do and that our prayer must be for openness to ourselves in every moment. This is profound and “whoa !”, but the teaching is about knowing that all we need is right here in every moment, if we choose to see it. Self enquiry is the only way to realisation of the “self”, Gangaji believes. A life dedicated to the blessings of learning about yourself from all your relationships. What, in essence, could be better than that ?

So if the Law of Attraction and all it stands for, is working as they say it does, then we must become love in order to attract the same. Be love and you have love, there is nothing to seek.

Happy summer everyone !

Blessings and love

Warts 'n' All

You are beautiful no matter what you say ! But do you accept yourself as the saying goes “warts and all ?”. My wish for everyone in a relationship is that they feel safe enough to be authentic every day of their lives, but authenticity requires being real and accepting that we are what we are now and that’s not an easy place for many. Think of someone who you admire because they are being themselves. There is no proving or showing off or acting, it’s just that they have learned that inner peace and happiness comes from being real through and through and in my experience I always enjoy being around authentic people. Their inner beauty shines through and is magnetic to others.

Talking with clients and friends it seems we may all have a hidden side that only comes into being when alone. You can say and do what the hell you like when no-one is watching... right ! Expressing deep emotion, for example, for some people only feels ok to do alone for fear of others thinking they are weak or crazy or pathetic. But deep emotions are part of us and what a shame if we feel we have to hide it from others.

Our intimate partnerships are a place where our “warts” or painful bits tend to show up magnified. Once the heady days of romance have tailed off and the sleeves are rolled up for the real business of getting along together, our other half seems with skill, to bring our warts to the surface ! So what of these warts and what do they look like ?

For a moment, imagine the darker sides of you as unhealed parts of your past. Without fail we all carry disappointments and negative experiences from perhaps our childhood, school and relationships with others and alot of these past experiences hang around in the body, mind and spirit. Partners have the amazing knack of pressing the “don’t go there” buttons, but why ?

Well Imago Theory (www.gettingthelove.com) states that the unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood negative experiences, will be reflected back to us in our intimate relationship for the specific job of being healed and with the aim to return to “wholeness”, which for me means authenticity, “the real me”. Fascinating theory. No wonder then, when these painful spots show up in our relationship, it is the source of conflict and suffering, because the two people involved don’t know what is really trying to happen.

Our underlying aim in life, I believe, is to be approved of and to feel we have a place on this Earth through the giving, but specifically the receiving of love. But as we grow through the delicate stages of childhood our need for love, approval and connection can and is affected by others around us. If we expressed or behaved in ways that were deemed inappropriate we avoided those ways, even if really they were ok at some level, in order to remain approved of. Ringing any bells ?

So as we grew we continued to look upon those ways of being, as bad or wrong, hence the “warts” that formed and that we dutifully carry for years. But in essence, the truth of human kind is that we are all born with a full range of expressions, emotions, behaviours that if nurtured correctly will allow our wholeness to remain as we progress through life. Sadly many of us reach adulthood with many a wart to bear and still feeling, as we did in childhood, that it is not ok to be that way or this.

Looking within, we are told more and more nowadays, is the only way forward. I believe this to be true. At some point, if we are to lead a life full of deep inner peace and happiness, we do need to be brave enough lay our “inner house” out on the lawn in front of us and look and learn to love all those tender parts. How you do it is up to you. Today’s urge towards a more conscious, happy and authentic life is expression to the fact that we are all seeking to purge our past baggage in some form or other, so we can feel more love and happiness. There is a multitude of great ways to help out there and I know you will find it if you feel the need, but where I am focused is around how you can become accepted and approved of in your relationship.

I work with people all the time, couples especially, who have a great desire to be seen by their loved one warts and all, but are too afraid to show their darker side for fear of being left, an ingrained childhood miasm sadly. Through the creation of a safe nurturing environment and with the dialogue of exploration and curiosity, I help people express themselves in a way that they have never felt comfortable to do so, before. The beauty in these moments is huge, as each partner takes the other’s hand and with childlike steps helps them walk the journey towards fullness and wholeness with love and respect. I really enjoy these experiences which are for me, about real love.

Whether single or part of a couple, I can help you realise that it is ok to be you. Why not give me a call. I have been there, believe me.

What you can do in the mean time

• Know that right here, right now, every part of you has a place in this world and you deserve to be you and be accepted by ALL who know you.

• Make a choice to understand what your warts look like and begin to learn to accept yourself as much as you can. There is a whole heap of help out there if you feel the need to talk to someone about self esteem and past issues.

• Observe what feels painful for you in interactions with family, friends or partners and dare to look behind what it really means for you. Where are those feelings really coming from ?

• Are you running from your darker side ? If so, choosing to stop and be brave enough to explore those parts, will take you towards your dream of being real and authentic. I guarantee your life will be richer and more abundant than you could ever imagine when you learn that it is ok to be a human being with all the colours that go to make us all up !

• In your relationship, is your partner willing to explore your and their stuff ? True acceptance of the self, I believe, comes in our love relationship. The right communication will bring about the acceptance you so longed for. See my previous article about communication and how you can explore each other’s past wounds.

Obervation to Preservation

I was inspired today after my hot yoga class, to write about how people really get stuck in to the drama of their emotions. I watched people as they literally fought with their bodies throughout the class, one to deal with the extreme temperatures which were well over 80 degrees and two, to force their bodies into postures that "dear old bod" was not ready for. One guy especially caught my attention. It tickled me pink by the end of the class. He literally pumped out a dialogue of puffing and panting loudly and even during Savasana (relaxation) at the end, the whole class was subject to his deep "ahhhhhhs" and sighs as he came to terms with the marathon that his body clearly had disliked with a passion !

And it made me think...if we feel something and allow the drama of it to take a grip and manifest ...what then ? Some peoples outbursts can register on the Richter Scale and those around them have to run for hills to take cover. I am sure you know or have known someone like this ! How do you feel around that "threat" ? Eggshell treading becomes the norm to keep the peace.

I  work with couples in conflict and it sprouts grand from triggered emotions which can erode the relationship and the people in it gradually over time. Now I am not saying we should all go around holding in our emotions. Lord knows historical social conditioning has sent alot of people on a quest to express, but it's WHY we should observe ourselves when our pain body is activated. 9 times out of 10 reaction based on "this is what I am feeling now so you are gonna get it", never works. Think of the times you have done it. You are more pissed at yourself which serves to increase inner pain and then you gotta dig yourself out of it with flowers, apologies and massages ...or whatever !

I spent 10 days meditating at a retreat last summer in Hereford. Vipassana is the extreme sport of meditation. You spend 10 days in complete silence and spend 10 hours of each day meditating. I was never one to do things by halves ! The roots of this meditation technique are based in mindfulness and spending the whole time in observation of "the self" was one of the most profound things I had ever done. You get to witness the ramblings of the mind and its ability to take you off on tangents, in and out of stories and how it can play games with you if left to its own devices. It was scary and bizarre and incredible all at once. During meditation time we were guided to simply observe whatever sensation or emotion arose in the body and watch it pass without reacting. It did, without fail, every time. Sitting and meditating without moving a hair on my head, or to scratch an itch or move to ease a shoulder ache gave me the ability to be able to see how our mind wants to drag us into the emotional and mental drama in the moment. As feelings and painful memories came and went I saw how if I just observed, things pass. Just as night turns to day and life in its endless cycle, ebbs and flows, so do we, in this great cosmic soup. It was the best "me" training I had ever experienced and its benefits are with me every day now. Sure I feel triggered when my boyfriend "pushes my buttons" from the past, but I am way better able to articulate what is happening in me, without stripping layers of skin off him with my heated words. Thank God he didn't meet me years ago !

Emotions rise and they pass and if we can just know that whatever we are urged to feel in the moment, will pass, then we have greater awareness to be able to do something about it. Conflict is painful and often ugly and way too reactive and I have witnessed throughout my life what it can do. My dad, God rest his soul, was the master of reactive outbursts and like a dutiful daughter I learnt that way to communicate too. In my early teenage years for example, I kicked hell into the kitchen cupboards if I spilled sugar on the floor by mistake. I always felt bad but at the same time compelled like a battering ram to do whatever "came up". Anger management was not my strong point !

Past painful memories and unresolved childhood wounds sit like snakebites in our bodies and minds waiting to be triggered so we can look at them and with the help of a partner, can heal and grow beyond them. Our intimate relationship can and will activate those snakebites and is the only relationship that creates the right conditions for this to happen. It is what "is meant" in the grand scheme of this Universal Plan, to help us return to our wholeness and allow the "real us" to show up.

So when you next feel triggered into reactive defensive behaviour with your partner or loved one, wait a few moments and sit with what it is they are bringing up for you. Your body will let you know the signs immediately.

Cortisol, a reactive hormone is released in your body during these moments and prepares you for "fight or flight". The first 20 mins of this cortisol reaction is the time when it is the most risky to express how you feel. You want to fire off a text (or 100 !), you want to chuck nasty words to wound your partner for daring to hurt you with their words, you want to stomp about the house and slam doors, or at worst you want to harm your partner physically.

In perspective, when you feel triggered it is 90% your stuff and only 10% theirs. What is arising for you is yours and no one else's. You need to own it and more importantly take responsibility for it.  You have a choice right in that moment. Reacting is exhausting so, with willpower, choose a different way. I guarantee it will be a better way.

Get into the habit of self observation. Think "ahh I am being triggered" and be curious about it rather than engaging in the drama of the potential lava flow of emotions. Watch it as it surfaces in your body. Feel the sensations, the anger, sadness or whatever and simply "be" with it until it passes. It will, every time. Blocking it from arising will only create more fear in the long run as you start to live with the fight or flight syndrome and run from it time and again. Your partner's job IS to push your buttons but in doing so, is helping you ultimately face the unhealed bits of you. 

If you need to rant and I am not saying it's not healthy to, set up time alone or with a mate to get it off your chest. I do think it is a good idea to get it out, but the danger comes when the reaction is aimed to harm your partner from what it is perceived they have to done to upset you.

The aim is to be able to say in a rational controlled fashion "honey I feel really triggered by what you have just said and I need a little time to allow it to subside. Can we talk about it a bit later ? (or now depending on how you feel)" This way you preserve your relationship space and save yourself the pain of allowing the emotion to damage your mind and body. I have tried it and it works and I can't tell you enough what a revelation it is to feel in control of me but in a self respecting way. It works wonders for preserving your precious relationship and hey presto as the Law of Attraction kicks in, your partner can stay connected and feel respected as you both mature into a better way to communicate.

 

Honour yourself from today by observing and preserving the delicate nature of you that is trying to make its way in this world. As you grow others will naturally help you. We are all in it with you.

 

Blessings and love