Find the Love You Really Want – Why Waste Time ?

I have always have a number of topics to write about on the subject of romance and relationships. In fact the list is endless; but one pressing subject I want to chat about as the sunny season of hope springs forth, is that educating your "self" in the art of creating successful relationships is the only way forward. Wouldn't you love to save a whole lot of heartache and time ?

Consciousness seems to be the major buzz word on the planet now. In essence it means becoming aware and the first place we must start is with ourselves. So unless in a relationship you know and are aware of what you are giving off how can you expect to fix the problems ? You are one half of the problem that exists I am sorry to say. What we allow, even if our partner is abusive, is still our problem and in the allowing, we self harm.


So once inward focus is recognised then we can start to understand and know what makes us tick in relationships and more to the point start to own and take responsibility for our part in the dynamics. When I truly "got it" I realised that I had been blindly blaming my partner choices on them. Ugh ! I had to grow up a little and make the changes necessary to change the dance I had been dancing for 25 years. It was revolutionary ! Sadly alot of people don’t want to make changes to their behaviour and continue to think their partner is the one to blame. But in doing so they only delay inner growth and healing.


So what does relationship education give you that you won't learn by just experiencing  ?


1) Understanding that it is GOOD to have boundaries and when you have none love won't come to you easily. When you are boundaryless you will keep letting in unwanted behaviour from others and you will find it tough establishing the REAL you.


2) When you are triggered into conflict or a row with your partner it is 90% your issue and only 10% theirs. Triggered emotions feel like small snake bites inside and the pain inflicted is coming from an unhealed part of you. It is virtually never what you find to argue about..lid off the toothpaste or peeing on the toilet seat... it is about the unconscious meaning that experience has for you from the past.


3) When you are in conflict with your beau, you will either respond by closing down and not wanting to face the "music" and boy the music can be loud ! Or, you want to talk it through and keep nagging at your partner until you get the space to do so. These two “styles” of people will always meet and fall in love and it is why and how you communicate through that is essential in the path to deep communion in love. Otherwise " 'er in doors" becomes the flavour of pub talk !


4) An ability to look at and understand the past when you were growing up with your parents or caretakers and to come to know that your partner choices in adulthood reflect a deep unconscious desire to heal past "wounds" from childhood. Don't be offended when I use the word wounded because human beings are hugely diverse and complicated and parents do their level best to bring us up in a balanced way. However, it is and was impossible to have our needs met 24/7 as we grew up and some of the negative experiences hang around in our memories from the young delicate little people we once were and become the snake bites that I have discussed, later on.


5) Partner choices, for your childhood healing process to be completed, are mostly unconscious. In other words you may consciously choose, for example, they have a great physical appearance and embody the things that excite you but what makes you fall head over heels and gets you intrinsically "hooked" will be largely motivated by your brain and its past experiences, mostly negative ones with your folks, and it is merely trying to re-create those "playgrounds" of experience to replay the movie and gain a successful outcome this time around. In other words, you will unconsciously choose those partners who embody mostly the negative traits of your parents/caretakers in order to re-create the same situations from childhood where this time around you can heal. This is a deep one to accept I know and people say to me how so you know it is true Gina ? Well because I see it everywhere I look. Men cry quite alot ...."god she is just like my mother !" and for good reason. But not knowing why sets up further conflict and an eventual need to rid yourself of this person, rather than to know and thank that this person who has annoyingly turned up to help you heal from the past !


6) Relationships have a cycle. The honeymoon phase allows the bonding of attraction with the above motivation in mind, to heal from childhood. But this bonding is without fail followed by the conflict stage or "power struggle" as the wounds that need to heal come up to the surface and this shows up as....what you once loved about your partner is now annoying the hell out of you ! Learning how to move beyond this tricky stage needs help and is only done through the right type of communication. Most couples come to me during the conflict stage because they are programmed to respond with the learned behaviours from the past and so I teach them how to add to the bag of tools and help them learn that we must honour and respect the other in their differences.


7) The relationship space. I have written about this already but my teaching focuses on couples seeing that what they give to the relationship, rather than what they take from it, heals and grows the quality of the relationship and the other.


8) And finally, healing, self love and acceptance come from learning about yourself and arming yourself with this valuable knowledge WILL shift who you attract and improve the quality of your relationships.


Honouring and knowing what is coming from you is the beginning of your journey to successful and healthy relationships. Get in touch when you need a hand along that path and together I will help you see the real beauty of you as you return to love.

To Text or Not to Text, that is the question ?

Leading nicely on from my last piece about how to "tool up" to communicate properly in your relationship, I find myself compelled to mention the wonderful world of non-verbal communication, in particular, texting. Daily life seems to cocoon us more and more within the world of laptops and virtual relationships with others and as well as the plethora of benefits in terms of connecting us with ever larger circles of people, it can, in intimate relationships, kill some of the essence of good old fashioned face to face dialogue.

Now I am not saying texting is bad because indeed it has its benefits. For example, sending a sweet nothing to your loved one as they journey through their day, just to show you care, is lovely... or to wish them luck when they are just about to head into an interview. It saves money on a phone call and sometimes for a quick word or two, it's not necessary to speak.

I guess I just want to explore and share my thoughts on using texting to communicate when you really do need to talk.

I have been guilty, if I can call it that, of trying to get my point across when I was peed off about something in my previous relationships. My intention ? To tell him how I feel and then shut him out because I need to run away for a while ! My defence plan "You are gonna know how I feel, but you are gonna have to run after me to fix it !" Crazy huh ! But that's me. Think about how you use texting when you want to say something but are and this is the point, afraid to speak the words.

I have learnt about two styles of behaving in conflict in relationships. I will call these two folk, minimisers and maximisers for the purpose of illustration. Maximisers in conflict are usually the more emotionally flowery people who want to talk about everything to sort problems out and they only feel connected when their partner listens and hears them. Maximisers can be overbearing and intense and sometimes can scare their partners with huge outbursts of emotional lava. Texting trends tend to be "hot pursuit" style. A new client said of his girlfriend recently , "She freaks me out sometimes and literally stalks me on text ! I feel trapped and pretty intimidated and can't escape, so I shut her out to get some peace." This is classic !

The opposite style, minimising, is when in conflict, that person's style is to shut down and not talk about what's bothering them in the moment. They believe they are the logical rational ones that never start the rows and they feel they are often the more mature partner in the relationship. Their texting style is often short and sweet and boy, lots of minimisers use texting to keep their maximising partner, at bay. I have a friend who loves texting when her man "starts" cause she can tell him how she feels then turn the phone off to control his octopus style clinging. Sounding familiar ? So in this way texting can nurture your tendency in conflict to remain where you are in your style of learned behaviour i.e. maximising or minimising.

My main point is that texting in conflict will usually inflame rather than smooth, because we can so easily take the words the wrong way. I will agree that sometimes a quick text to say "darling, I feel a little emotional about what you said earlier, can we talk later ?" is ok, because it is stating how you feel rather than chucking a great big hang grenade criticism. But remember with texting, it is the words you use that can aggravate or smooth. So if you feel utterly compelled to text...explain how you feel, NOT what your beau is doing to pee you off. Blaming and shaming never works and on text it's a very detached way of putting your point across.

I had an emotionally intense relationship 3 years ago, where most of my more difficult conversations were on text because I felt afraid of his response. I can't talk for his feelings about it, but it was almost like I couldn't face him for fear that he would leave me at some point. I used to get really upset if he blocked me out and shut down when he was angry, so I would "fire" a text to try and wound him in his rabbit hole, then I would shut down and retreat hoping and praying he would come get me and make it better. Oh what a survival strategy !

Let me go on to use an analogy here. Your world of you, is like an island. On your island, with all your thoughts and feelings and the way you see life, your partner cannot possibly know exactly where you are at because they are on their own island. When you send a text, imagine if you will that it is a flare, it lands on their island and can and will be received with their views and feelings and opinions about what the message is that you have sent. Not how you originally intended. Get me ? The only way to really hear your partner or for them to hear you, is to visit the other's island and be fully present with them, leaving your island behind. This is what I teach in my work. Good old fashioned, heart centred connection where verbal communication, face to face, is the only true way to achieve a healthy conscious relational space.

So often texting can be muddled in its "received" mode. Taking it the wrong way is common. How many times have you got it wrong when someone has texted you and how many times did your receiver take it the "wrong" way from you ? Easy to do. Our previous experiences create a filtering system in our minds and certain words or messages will be absorbed, filtered and according to your values and beliefs you will react according to what your resulting "output" is. Having a conversation with your partner can ease the ability to take it the way to choose, rather than the way they meant it. Our stories about what we think is coming from our partner can be way off the mark, so please, if you to need to say something delicate, say it don't text it...it saves a lot of hassle in the long run !

Finally...next time, as you start to send a text to your loved one in a bad moment, perhaps after a row or even before one, stop and think a little. Does your relationship deserve to have you contributing in this way or would it be better to tell your loved one face to face how you feel about what is happening ?

Enjoy texting for the fun of it...leave the tougher bits to the bravery of talking...go on...you can do it !

Are you speaking the same language ?

As spring approaches with the promise of new growth and lighter days and as winter's grip loses her hold you may well be starting to think about spring cleaning your life. A few people I know are making big changes in their love relationships including some that are ending because they feel they can't communicate anymore and the lack of being able to speak the same "language" has brought forth ....adios....farewell ..next !

As numbers of people going down the aisle decline, a quarter since 1991 and divorce rates climb, one can't help but wonder what is it that is failing in our world and making us despondent about staying in relationships ? 

Movies and songs are ever woven with fairy tale love and happy ever after, keeping us chained to the promise of our soul mate and yet the desire to stay happy and not experience negativity seems to be increasing at the same time.

One of the big misunderstandings in relationships is that 80% of the time conflict and bad patches are inner resistance to growth and healing. Martin Buber, a Jewish Philosopher once said "the gift of relationship is a helpmate in opposition", in other words our loved one is there to push our buttons and help us grow to a place beyond inner conflict, to acceptance of the self and of the other, warts and all...why be in a relationship if you don't have that ? You may say, yes I hear that but I have tried and tried and well I feel like I am making all the effort...I hear you, it simply has to take two to tango. Both of you must be committed to a path of inner growth and healing, period.

So what is the main problem with conflict ? The wrong type of communication. Effective communication is where you leave your judgements, opinions and what you are not getting, to visit the world of the other person and really see the world from their position. True understanding is the healing balm to conflict. You don't have to agree with where your partner is at but you must have an appreciation of the position they are in. You may be surprised what you see when you SEE them in their truth. Your way of taking what they say is often slanted and filtered through your own experiences and oh boy how often we can get it wrong !

Working with couples lately, I have seen TRUE connection happen when the right communication is present. No amount of sex and spending quality time beats the art of the right communication. Just talking doesn't fix it because usually we are trying, even if we think we aren't, to get our needs met in the relationship and one of the worst habits we perpetuate is, we want to be right ! Wanting to get one over on our partner, to be smarter, more spiritual (oooh ..this is bad one !), more intelligent only serves to harm the relational space and it's selfish.

During my training with Imago Relationships International, I was introduced to their main communication tool called The Intentional Dialogue. "It is a basic 3 step process to help people communicate thoughts, feelings or experiences with the intention of being clearly heard and understood and to hear and understand the other. On a deeper level, the Imago Dialogue invites, creates, enhances and preserves connection". At first I cringed, as some of you will, at the thought "not another process". I guess that's my conditioning from the corporate world. But as I have used it in training and working with people I am seeing "soul connective" experiences that leave me in awe of its potential power. That "certain something" that we search our whole lives for and want to be part of, appears when you truly SEE the other in communication.

The process consists of 1) mirroring what the other person says, 2) validating their point of view and then 3) empathising your imagined feelings of other.

How to dialogue

To make this communication work with effect, you need to find the time, first of all, to sit down and be totally present with your loved one. Ask them if it's convenient to talk at a given time. You both need to be ready. Watching TV while eating dinner, is not a good time to dialogue ! Once you have found the space, sit close facing each other and link knees and perhaps hold hands. Body connection, brings a feeling of purpose and safety.

The next vital step is to gaze into each other's eyes and stay visual with each other as much as possible. This will help you to be totally present and help your mate feel that you are really there for them.

Decide who is going to "send"/talk first. Whoever is going to "receive" first make sure you leave your place of judgement, opinion and ego and "visit" your partner's world. Imagine that you each are an island and to talk to your partner, you must travel to their island, which means leaving yours behind. Be fully alert and present to them and only them.

The sender can then start to speak about something that they want to discuss. You then mirror back, as close as possible using the same words, that your partner has said, using "I hear you say that......" For those who love to talk and "transmit" only, this can be tricky because us transmitters are usually preparing what we are going to say next and can miss completely what the other person is saying. Listening is a learned art and mirroring helps us to "get" what the other is REALLY saying. Keep mirroring until the other person has expressed all they want to say by encouraging with  "is there more about that ?" and then try (it's not easy !) to summarize what they have said using, again the same words if you can, using "did I get that/you ?" at the end.

Validation follows. Please don't assume that validating means you have to agree with what your partner is saying ! It means "I understand you and I accept your experience". As Imago says "it allows two different worlds to co-exist - the both/and rather than the either/or." When you, as the receiver, start validating your partner after summarising, use the words "it makes sense that...." or "I understand that...." It acknowledges the existence of the sender's internal experiences and perceptions of the world.

The third and final step of the Dialogue, is empathy. The receiver imagines the feelings of the sender by stepping into their shoes. It is important here to verify that the imagined feelings are correct with "I imagine you might be feeling...." Try to steer clear of words such as "must" and "should" because their world is not yours, so don't assume you know what they are feeling.

Over time, we move from communicating with what we see on the outside to touching each other's interior world, as you learn to participate in the world of the other, while holding onto your own separate experience.

Close the dialogue with appreciation and thanks to your partner for sharing their thoughts. This is an important step.

Now I know you may think, as I did at first, boy this seemed a little contrived and stilted. I can't pretend it won't feel awkward to talk in this way initially, because like new shoes you need to keep trying them on to feel comfortable, but after time and with practise, you will find your own energy and words to complete the process that will feel right for you both.

Intentional Dialogue is used extensively in Imago Therapy and is the key tool for shifting blocks in couples who have forgotten how to communicate properly. The main benefit is the re-vitalised and deeper connection that grows from this simple but incredibly effective technique. In my own experience it is valuable to be able to know and accept the differences that exist in other human beings and that often we get it so wrong in our perception of what we think they have said. It has helped me to really listen with intent and to appreciate the essence and deeper beauty of another person.

So try it on, see how it goes and let me know ! You don't necessarily need a partner to do it, you can ask your friends or family ro dialogue with you. This is valuable on so many levels with many people. If you need guidance, please contact me via the web site. I would be happy to guide through this !

Happy communicating all !

When to use Dialogue ?

• To express love and appreciation
• To simply "connect" by practicing the steps
• To be heard and understood
• To listen and understand
• You are upset about something and want to discuss it
• To discuss a topic that might be touchy.