Trigger happy or sad - it's up to you

Picture the scene. You are merrily taking a day trip out with your partner and all is going very well. You are chatting and laughing together about people and life and nothing in the world seems to matter more than these precious moments. Your banter is high and the flow of energy congruent and easy between you. You look with fond eyes and have lots of warm fuzzy feelings thinking how wonderful your beau is in so many ways.

Then suddenly, unknown to them, they say something that, like a flick of a switch, sends your inner world plummeting into darkness and angst. They may have suddenly dropped the name of their ex, one too many times, into the conversation or held the gaze of the “bit of stuff” as they walked by or they mention in a sweet way what a pain in the ass your mum is or they may say something about your physical appearance or your weight.....the list goes on.

Your body suddenly goes into “I’m in charge” mode and you sit there surging with feelings. You feel taken over, some people tell me, with demonic proportions and you can’t think straight. Many people, including myself, describe these moments as an emotional punch in the guts or a sudden rising sickness or huge anger or a need to defend yourself in some way.

Anatomically, cortisol, one of the fight or flight hormones is rampaging around your body like an invasion from an opposing army. At this point you may feel like running and hiding or standing and fighting..the options are, in the moment, many, but scary.

These moments are called your “triggers”. They are the body’s way of signalling where, in your body/mind/spirit, negative experiences from the past are still causing you angst and to what degree. The magnitude of your feelings varies according to the pain you felt originally i.e. when the emotional “wounding” occurred and the degree to which you have sorted it out during your lifetime.

When we are triggered we often don’t know where the originating painful experience lies. We focus on what our partner has said or done and that is deemed, by the mind, the be the cause. What follows often and in my experience with couples who are struggling to get through conflict, is a whole lot of blame, pain and finger pointing with the requests and demands that the other should resolve their upset.

What I want to do with this way of looking at relationship problems is to turn it on its head completely. Our partners WILL push pain buttons in us with words or actions to show us where healing and growth are required in us, not them. The greatest mis-understanding is “this is hurting me therefore it is your fault”. Sadly humanity is only at the beginning of knowing that inner pain means “my stuff not yours” and love relationships seem to be where this war is still very much at large.

I will go further and say that our partners are meant to push our buttons and the purpose of adult intimate relationships is to heal and grow from childhood and the lovely quote from the Jewish philosopher, Martin Buber “the purpose of a relationship, is a helpmate in opposition”, springs to mind.

Depending on your adaptive way of dealing with conflict in childhood, by either retreating or going into battle, you will carry that style into adulthood which by now is a deeply ingrained pattern. Then what seems as some Divine buggar up, you pitch up in a love relationship with your opposite style of dealing with conflict. I digress....

So there you are feeling all sorts of angst and discomfort, your partner is looking a little perplexed and may start to notice by asking if there is anything wrong to which you will probably say at first “oh nothing” but you are secretly seething. I want to say “why hold it in ?” but therein lies all sorts of potential hazards.

At this moment I am pressing PAUSE on our mini potential drama, to help you understand your choices :

Ok let’s start with playing the movie of what could happen. After several attempts by your partner to find out what’s wrong you decide to :

• Let them have it with a barrage of words to feed your pain. You may swear, throw things or even go for the biggie of physical attack until you have off loaded. But what then ? Guilt and a possible rift and alot said that needs to be forgiven and healed in both of you. Relationships are a game for two and this way you are trampling on the relationship space. See previous article http://ginahardy.blogspot.com/2010/02/your-relationship-space-beirut-or-bliss.html .This scene is the horror movie and not advised at any costs. You may then trigger your partner who may mirror you by giving as good as they get and a game of trying to win ensues, however clever the tactics you employ, are.
• Retreat into a well lived-in shell and put up the highest defence you can. You may walk out, make an excuse to go and do something else or blah blah...whatever ! Your partner is not welcome here and you will not be budged. They can make all the effort to repair the mess and the hurt they have caused you before you are willing to come out of hiding. This movie, like Castaway, is one of isolation and loneliness. Again it is not just about you, but two.

Unconscious relationships swing in polarity as above. Allow me to suggest with minor role play, what a conscious healthy relationship would do...excuse the basic language but you can get the general idea :

• My partner says something I find painful and it triggers a possible reaction. I notice what’s happening in me and register that “yes” I feel rubbish in this moment. I take time (a few seconds, minutes) to allow the feelings to be there without jumping in to react. PAUSE.
• I say to my loved one, aiming to stay connected to him/her, “honey I really feel triggered by what you just said/did. I feel hurt/angry/injured etc”. That way I am not sending accusatory messages to hit my partner’s tender spots. I am now starting to own my pain and just expressing how I feel.
• At this point depending on the depth and power of my feelings I can either articulate to my honey that I just need to find a place to calm down and I will come and talk in an hour or so or I may choose to explain how I feel in the moment.
• A word of caution here. The cortisol surging in the body is at its strongest in the first 20 minutes after you feel triggered, so any exchange of words at this time carries a health warning that a row can easily develop if full self control is not exerted. Tough when you are feeling overcome with emotion.
• Notice and observe yourself as much as you can.
• If your tendency is to want to react with a barrage of words and brain to mouth has a habit of reacting at lightning speed then my heart goes out to you. I was and am, to a smaller extent, one of those people. It is not your fault you feel that way but it is your fault if you let rip unguarded. You will injure for sure then there is double pain. Only when you have calmed down and can meet your partner in a safe relational space to communicate with respect, will you be met where you need to be met thus being able to say how you feel and what you need from your partner.
• If you want to run and not face any potential conflict, again my heart goes out to you. But shutting down is as much hard work for your relationship, although less noisy. When you have calmed down make that commitment to come back to your partner and explain what it is you feel and what you need from your partner.

Our partner’s “job” in all this is to help create a safe space to “come and talk” when the triggered state has worn off. Safety is critical for the triggered party in order to feel they can say what needs to be said. Notice your reactive style and its impact on your partner. It is not to tell you to pussy foot or tread on egg shells to suit your partner but it is to respect the relational space and getting it off your chest can be done, but with kindness.

We are all very varied and there are a thousands of triggers and situations but we all share the basic human craving for love and approval. It never dies in us no matter how old we get and when we don’t get it or it is threatened to be withdrawn, our systems go into overdrive to protect us from potential “death”. Sounds very dramatic but our reptilian brain, or “old brain” only knows to protect the body from threats and death and it is that part of the brain that overpowers us when we are triggered. Fight or flight is it’s only two reactive states.

So my lovely Conscious Union readers, take from this what makes sense to you and slowly slowly in your daily interactions with your nearest and dearest and others for that matter, test this different way out. Recognise that it is you that can change this world from conflict to peace and help yourself heal and grow beyond your wildest dreams in the process. Love is all there is when we let go. Namaste.

Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a princess. A princess so beautiful, her Light shone, mesmerizing the people of the land. They talked only of her purity and kindness and regularly left gifts at the steps to her castle to show their appreciation for her being in their lives. Daily she sat by the river with all her nature friends, dreaming of the day when her handsome prince would come to her. Her knowing was so strong that from afar, every now and then, the handsome prince would look up from what he was doing and sense the love from his princess from across the miles. His heart yearned for her and it stirred him so deep that he knew without a doubt that she was his angel.

Then one day, the handsome prince awoke to the energy of the strongest passion he had ever encountered and decided that today was the day he would go to his beloved and commit his life to her. The time was right and the Gods were willing him to go and seek her.

Mounting his humble steed he rode hard until his horse broke a sweat. Finally he reached the castle. Dismounting, he wandered through the surrounding meadow to the river where she bathed. A breeze of his presence brushed her face and she was filled with the deepest love she had ever felt. She looked up and there before her with his eyes shining with deep gratitude and happiness, was her handsome prince. He fell to his knees and she ran to him with arms open to surround him with the love that was within him all along. The connection created a union so deep, the very heart of Mother Earth beat in their chests. She mounted his horse and he lead her to the castle where they bonded their love in the most exquisite love making. Heaven and earth rang the bells of love as they committed their lives and love, happily ever after.

Ahhhhhh....writing this, for a brief moment, I really got lost in the notion of being part of the fairy tale ! The notion of prince and princess, castles, romance and deep unbreakable love, STILL takes me off into dream wonderland. So what about you ?Let yourself feel it. Maybe in there somewhere among your buried thoughts, is the cotton wool world of your own version of a happily ever after story that is alive and kicking.

Traditional fairy tales may be confined to kiddies books, but see how the thread of the “happily ever after” consciousness, is around us every day of our lives. Movies such as Braveheart, Robin Hood and even dear old Shrek, have served to reach a place deep in our hearts which in many ways keeps us chained to searching for “the one” “our soul mate” “my twin flame”.

We have grown up with such strong conditioning from the world of movies, songs and Mills and Boon style books, that although fantasy is great, it is just that, fantasy. But not to be a party pooper, we must know that happily ever after is achievable but with alot of self awareness and a willingness to grow beyond our chains/blocks and to move forward with our partners in happily separate connectedness !

So coming back to you. Even though you may initially poo poo the notion of the fairy tale ending, it may be playing itself out in your expectation of how you think love should be with your partner or spouse. In your mind what is “right” to be able to achieve bliss and happiness may not be your partners idea of happily ever after and indeed they may have had the fairy tale proverbially knocked out of them along their life path, so treading with caution and gentleness would help.

Coming back to movies. I remember a friend going to the cinema a few years ago with her sister-in-law to see “PS I Love You” and upon arriving at home afterwards, finished with her husband on the spot, telling him that he had never loved her like Gerard Butler did his wife, in the movie and knew in her heart that it was over. Now this is an extreme I grant you, but it proves that what we think love should be, can often run our love lives.

So what can you do if your idea of happily ever after hasn’t happened and you feel it never will, no matter how hard you try ?

Here’s a clue..self awareness, self awareness, self awareness ! Every thought and feeling about anything, begins and end with you. It is NEVER the other persons fault for not loving you or making happen what you want to happen. We must give ourselves the love and care first and as the Law of Attraction kicks in, we attract love as a magnet from within us, FIRST. That seems to be the way !

Understand and self enquire into your expectations of love. Pain only comes to us when we are chained by our thoughts of what it should or shouldn’t be. Take a quiet moment to really investigate those feelings. Watch a romantic movie and notice how you feel. I used to feel a deep inner sadness and was, more often than not, deeply affected long after the movie had finished. Even the modern versions of King Kong had me boo hooing ! For me, it was a deep sense of never being loved truly madly deeply by a man and the perceived lack of “man love” kept me chained to the hope that one day my knight would ride into my life. In the mean time, I felt something was missing and the inner story of that reigned long until only a few years ago.

It may help to sit and talk to your partner or a dear friend about how you feel about love in general. Often those close to us can be of great help and comfort just by listening. Express what’s sitting deep inside. You maybe be surprised at what comes up and with their help you may be able to come to some conclusions and even revelations.

Not long ago, a dear friend said to me, when she was in pain over her man, “the thing is Gina, love equals pain for me”. My heart and empathy went out to her. So many people feel the same. Chained to fear of loss, we pull love towards us then push it away like a never ending yo-yo.

John Demartini, one my idols in the field of awakening human consciousness, once said “ True love is not nice, kind, sweet, positive. It is, nice and mean, kind and cruel, positive and negative, supporting and challenging, peaceful and warful, co-operative and competitive. Once we redefine love as a balance of complementary opposite states we realise that we are surrounded by love 24 hours a day. As long as we are looking for love in a one sided form (happily ever after), we will be looking for love our whole life and miss it”. So true.

Know that true love is a balance of opposites. Traditional Christian wedding vows talk about “for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer”. Accept that any perceived negativity is part of the cycle of life. Love and relationships ebb and flow, like day and night or birth and death. Happily Ever After misses one thing, its opposite. Fairy tale land is only ever good and happy. The balance of opposite is missing. It may sound crazy but we need opposites to create equilibrium in our lives. Attachment through craving and desire keep us chained and ultimately we suffer. Like it or not, this is reality. “Love what is”, as Byron Katie so rightly puts.

My story has a very happy ending. One I thought only happened in books. My knight did indeed ride into my life this year but dear readers, only after I truly stopped a few years ago to take a long hard look at myself, my love life, men, sex and all that had made up my book of tragic and other love stories. To TRULY look within and release myself was the only thing left for me to do after many years of trying to create the happily ever after story. As I released myself from old thought patterns and found the missing piece of the inner love jigsaw, which was a very subtle but definite shift, I no longer felt the need to cry myself to sleep over movies and songs. I had found the true meaning of “loving myself before we can love another” and the need to search for my soul mate, left me, for the first time in 25 years. Bliss !

If you feel that love equals pain and you want to really get to grips with it once and for all, I would love to hear from you. My website www.consciousunion.co.uk gives you more insight and inspiration into my way and thinking about conscious relationship creation and I offer consultations in a number of easy ways.

In the mean time become the love you want to attract. Namaste.

The Perfection Infection

Think of a time when you were first dating someone you eventually went on to spend some life path time with. Ahhh remember the heady days of the romantic stage, fondly known as the honeymoon period. He/she could do no wrong, you noticed every little detail about the way they walked, talked and dressed and you positively brimmed over with pride and lust and maybe a sprinkling of early love! Your body was feeding you with love hormones and everything was just rosy in nest heaven.

Then one morning you wake and roll over to find that your honey isn’t looking quite so hot and the dialogue starts in your head. “I really must tell him to get his beard trimmed”, “long chest hair really isn’t in these days, it’s so 80’s!”, “not that tie-dye shirt again!”, “I really don’t like that deodorant he uses”. Now, part of you is shocked at how you really didn’t see this before but the other half is saying “well the little changes will make him better”…..but better for who? Maybe he likes long chest hair, tie-dye shirts (now that’s a tough one….lol) and Brut deodorant!

Now I will write my observation, gentlemen that it seems to be us girls that need the perfection infection ointment more than you do, but c’mon I know you have made a little tweak here and there eh? One of the biggest things men complain about is the frustration of being pressured to change in some way. But we all know that chasing around trying to change image or behaviours to suit others’ happiness is NOT the answer because it never stops.

A friend of mine and I have laughed many times about how we needed our partners looking hot to trot and a bad haircut or a flabby body or Primark clothing just ain’t acceptable. Another friend who I used to work with would break up with a guy if he was wearing the “wrong” watch or the “wrong” socks. It is funny but can be an OCD when it gets that out of order!

I KNOW you have been there, so as you sit there tittering, think about the subtle little things that have crept up on you both where you have felt totally compelled to make a change request to your other half. We have ALL done it. I admit it is hard not to. I find myself justifying subtle requests to my boyfriend even now. Thankfully he is so comfortable with himself that it is a choice he knows he has to honour himself every time whether it feels good to make a change or not. Good for him!

There are degrees though. Image change requests come in various forms from completely new hair cuts and wardrobes down to a minor beard trim or change of lipstick colour perhaps. Behaviours are harder because they are often ingrained and change requests on that level can and will irk at childhood and past wounds and only the right dialogue can sort it out.

So if your partner is trying to change you, what can you do?

My number one answer would be, take time to be with their comments and see how it feels to you. Does it suddenly make you feel deflated or if you admit it, yeah they have got a point and maybe even the change would be good! Maybe I do need to look at my wardrobe or think about spoiling for a few less rows. If you resist every time you will only make it harder. Now I am not saying go on change to suit your partner but feeling the inner stirrings of intuition you will get a hit of whether it feels good or bad.

If you constantly reject your loved one’s comments then maybe you do need to look a little further within and ask yourself, where does this come from? Is it helping our relationship if I do this? If you constantly change at every uttering of your partner then again, self inquire. Many people will blame others for showing them stuff about themselves and simply refuse to learn whatever lesson is there to learn. Fine, we all have free will apparently (I could contest that one though!) so we can make it difficult or easy. It’s a choice. Everything on the surface is like an iceberg, deeper meaning is always present. You have every answer inside of you, but getting involved and engaging in the dramas of the mind will never afford you the space to be still and simply notice.

If you really want to keep your image nuances and certain attitudes, because it feels ok with you, then boundaries are important. It’s OK TO BE YOU and so with gentle and kind dialogue you can thank your partner for their comments, or use the dialogue technique I offered in a past blog. This will keep your relational space healthy and your identity and personality in tact. Win win!

Every person you have ever met or spent time with is a mirror for you and the way you deal with that can be a good experience every time if you choose. It’s just your story and perception that can make learning either bad or good. Think about it. Stories are just that and oh boy the mind is full of them. How often have you simply observed the inner dialogue of the mind on any given day and marvelled at your mind’s ability to whip you here and there and get you to believe and emote from its incessant ramblings.

When we believe the stories then we are caught in a movie that can swing out of control very easily. So for example, when your beloved says in a lovely way “darling I really think this colour shirt suits you not that one” watch your story…you may think “why oh why does she insist on disagreeing with me” or “hey yeah she’s got a point I do look good in this”. See? It’s all stories really, so keep open in every moment and observe your minds urge to jump to negativity. Byron Katie, a prominent figure in the field of awakening human consciousness, has a process called The Work which will help you blast through the stories that keep you suffering. http://www.thework.com/index.php

And if you are the one with a mild or acute dose of the perfection infection, what can you do?

I am not one to dish out practical dos and don’t because my belief is that all ailments of this kind start from within us so….

Observe yourself. Notice and become aware of the underlying thoughts and feelings that build into words that flow out of your mouth before you have had good time to understand what is happening at a deeper level. Be still and feel it wherever it arises in your body and stay with it until is passes. The law of nature is impermanence, whatever rises, passes away and that goes for emotions. Whenever you feel urges or feelings, however good or bad they appear, they always disappear eventually. Watch yourself and see that we are simply blended with nature just as every animal or plant.

Respect your partner’s boundaries. The quality of your communication in terms of words and body language is all important. One thing many people struggle with in life is being able to be fully authentic, and that can’t be born if you are constantly trying to make changes to your honey. Allow them to invite you in. Imagine a boundary around someone’s property. You wouldn’t leap the fence and run amuck in the garden un-invited, now would you!

Try a little self acceptance. Look at where you are constantly trying to make YOU perfect, because the infection starts and ends within. You may be nagging yourself at all angles about how you look, dress and behave with others without realising it and oh boy that’s tiring! A heck a lot of energy is expended through self talk, doubt and being inwardly harsh. Give yourself a break! Notice your tendency to self berate. Inward dissatisfaction nearly always appears as projections onto your loved one.

Find some joy in everything you say and do. The dance of your relationship can be an easy one if you always approach your beau with an intention to love and honour them every time you communicate. I think we all try and alter our partners in someway and probably always will. Some things will improve and feel great and some not. I liken these idiosyncrasies in life to the rich tapestry of learning that comes our way. There is learning in every moment of every day, that’s Earth school for you. So you can ruin it with negative stories or have regular “ah ha!” moments and marvel at the wonders of what life brings you. It’s a choice.

Lastly I believe that living with the mind is a task of gradual and life long mastery. It will try to sabotage you and tell you what’s not right and what you should do in every situation. Not easy when you think that it lives in your head (apparently)! The collective mind once created world wars and kept humanity chained to misery, but gradually we are learning and changing and dropping into our hearts more and more. Think of times when you are touched to your deepest place by someone or something and in that moment how the mind seems irrelevant, because you feel enough love to fill the Universe.

For your amusement and finally...at the time of writing I asked my boyfriend to cast his keen eye over this article, because I value his opinion on what I write about. I was packing boxes at his flat and all went very quiet for a very long time at his laptop. With curiosity I went to see what he was doing only to find him ‘mmmming’ and ‘errrrring’ over some changes that he thought might be useful....we both fell about laughing. I rest my case.

Blessings and love

God and your Relationship – 3 doesn’t have to be a crowd

Those first glorious moments of spiritual or religious awakening can be huge. As we begin to open and seek our true ”selves” we start to ask questions such as “who am I?” or “why am I here?”. The first experience that connects you to your inner self is one of the most, or maybe best of your life and it’s only natural you want to share it. You find yourself reviewing jobs, friends, values, beliefs and your relationship tends to come under the spotlight very quickly because often your dear heart is the first to be affected by the chrysalis of the “new me” starting to form.

The changes however can often cause us to fall out of sync with our partner resulting in conflict and a new attitude of “but my way is a better way for both of us darling”. The one who is awakening can become spiritually egoistic and develop a bad case of spiritual righteousness and will try to drag their partner to all sorts of events and meditation groups in an effort to “help” them find God among the incense and “Om”ing and tell them what to eat to raise “their vibration” to a higher level. It is no wonder then that many partners want to *** off eventually!

As an educator, I see many couples with the “dragger and draggee” disease often manifesting as a tiring tug o’ war game. Generally, but not exclusively, the awakened ones happen to be the women who get terribly distressed because after a weekend retreat or workshop, for example, hubby is not ready to brim over with the same excitement and enthusiasm that their inner journey has cleared out another morsel of their emotional closet. “My needs are not being met”, “I don’t feel heard”, “He just doesn’t get it” are some of the clichéd words I often hear and at some level they believe their partner is frequently resisting the urge to phone the nearest rehab clinic which makes them feel like a freak. Not easy.

I have a dear friend who was persuaded by her husband to go to the doctor because he believed there was something radically wrong with her and she obviously needed pills! It may sound funny but it can become a matter of psycho analysis that can drive both parties nuts as a gradual erosion of what was a generally happy and content relationship, takes place as the newly God filled person races ahead.

At this point I would offer that, in terms of my own personal experience in spiritual awakening, that “it” or God, if you will, chose me not the other way around. I believe we don’t’ have a choice in awakening. You can choose kicking or screaming as the route or the let go and surrender one. Often we bounce between the two dragging our partner by the hair. Ouch!

7 years ago my dear dad passed and with that deep experience came a very natural and effortless meeting of people, courses, books that would create my future. I have loved and agonised over my spiritual development but somewhere deep in me that requires no understanding is a truth that this is exactly where I want to be beyond all things and even relationships with people in general. I believe I am at consequence to a greater force and going with the flow through whatever comes is the easiest route…although it takes practise!

Where I am today is undoubtedly the happiest and most content place so far on “my path”. Has my growth affected my relationships? You bet. Every time. I have been in more than a couple of relationships since I “woke up” which I feel now to be learning grounds, not regrets. In the background I was being propelled along by somewhat unconscious forces, meeting lots of people, reading and qualifying at various complimentary therapies and in the middle of it all was still having trouble in my love life but making the excuse that “well he’s not as spiritual as me, so no wonder this relationship isn’t working” as a way to explain my failing partnerships. I thought I knew better than them and indeed perhaps yes growth rates were different, but different to what?

Many times I have heard “we are all spiritual beings having a human experience” so none of us can claim to be more spiritual than the other really if that story has any grain of truth. But it is so easy to fall into a trap of judging the rights and wrongs of others based on what you believe to be the truth or the right way of life. When we judge from a perceived religious or spiritual angle it is just as harmful as judging about anything else. Don’t forget that truly God like people radiate endless love, compassion and understanding. They rarely judge. They are humble and don’t feel the need to preach or convert the unwashed.

Symbiotic relationships are those that function on great attachment and a feeling of needing the other to fulfil happiness and desires. These relationships can suffer the greatest casualties when one partner starts to understand that happiness does come from within first and the other person wonders what the heck has become of their once needy and comfortable partner.

So how can we become more aware of our spiritual or religious transformation while preserving and strengthening our relationship?

Firstly try to practise the art of allowing. Allow your partner to be different. Your hobby of new found awakening is just yours. I call it a hobby for purposes of comparison with perhaps golf, tennis or tiddly winks that may stir the heart of your boy/girlfriend. You may never see any joy or fun in buying the latest putter but to them it’s as much an elixir in terms of inner joy as the latest writings of Byron Katie.

Understand that your metamorphosis can cause insecurity and worries for your loved one. Take the time to listen and understand their concerns and always the right communication (as discussed in previous articles) will see you both through anything, given a good lump of love and understanding.

Never be under the illusion that your partner should think or be like you. Symbiotic relationships are ultimately unhappy. Differentiation is healthy and the only way forward. Loving your partner because they are different must be the goal. Loving someone warts n all is a challenge for sure, but in the accepting of them you accept yourself. What a relief in the long run!

An age old saying I know but put yourself in your partners shoes as much as you can. For example, don’t assume that changing your house and relationship space into little India will make your partner eventually see the Light. If you came home to find a putting green installed in the middle of your living room, I am sure you would have something to say about it!

By all means share your life together but in a give and take way. Avoid the tendency to know best about God and the Universe, because whatever you have read is only another person’s take on it, a story in essence. Your interpretation of what you know is just that, so share it with your honey rather than ram it as the new gospel according to you. We all have a path that we have an inner yearning to follow whatever are our passions and desires and no one human is the same as another so what fires me won’t be the same as my man but in sharing life it means we can enjoy some of the same things and others we do with others or alone. How good is that!

And lastly one of the biggest and most interesting observations I have made is that even if a couple are following the same spiritual or religious persuasion the relationship is not guaranteed to be a happily ever after.

The educational work I do with couple theorises that healing and growth into wholeness and to complete the unfinished business of childhood, is its ultimate goal. Through suffering in the past you may find yourself on a spiritual or religious path to give you an anchor and a feeling of safety and at all costs you are going to hang onto that as the only right way to be when you enter a relationship. Certain tools or methods may work for you when you experience the next difficult place in life but not your partner and if you are both trying to “tool” each other then you have double whammy know-alls thinking they know best.

As I have mentioned already I believe we are being guided and shown the way every day of our lives and our deepest instinct is the compass for life so simply loving the now and the person you are with is all you can do…let go.

Is Love Something to Obtain ?

I get an overriding sense these days, upon observation of the many trials and tribulations in 21st Century relationships, that the ultimate goal is about getting love from a partner like it is something to be owned....a possession or a thing; but how that method is working less and less and causing more and more angst and tug o’ war games.

The meaning of human existence and our drive for connectedness with others and to receive and give love is a universal. Many spiritual masters talk of us "being love". They say we cannot NOT be connected and we cannot NOT be love....so if that is true, why is there so much strife in the arena of love relationships where the focus appears to be on extracting love from the other ? No wonder it causes conflict and is painful !

I believe, we really do spend disproportionate amounts of time trying to "get" love. I witness and talk with people who come and see me for educational work, who are way outside of their true selves because they seem to be working for love like the coal miners do at the coal face. Picture the scene.

A common thread certainly throughout my life, but lately listening to my single clients, is this... “Being alone doesn’t feel right. There is something missing.” I really do get that. I used to say it ALL the time and cry over movies with happy endings, wishing and longing to find that certain someone.

But all along it was only the “feeling” of love within me that was perceived missing and so the mission of seek and find for that pearl in the oyster of another, continued. Maybe this feeling keeps us chained to a path of trying to find someone to get love from them, when they do turn up. Poor them, every time !

Many of my clients spend a heap of time talking to me about what their lover or past love didn't do for them and a whole lot more time telling me about what they said and did that made them unhappy. Because, I believe, their time is heavily invested in trying to get love and so the focus remains outside of themselves. If only we could work them out, we would get more love...right?! Like love is the ultimate treasure and all we need is the right map with “X marks the spot” ! Then sadly the emotional drilling commences to find love and hey presto conflict arises.

Getting anything from your partner will only end in tears eventually. It amounts to manipulation of another human being and nothing more. Trying to get love is like saying “I don’t have enough love and it’s your job to give it to me”. Wrong !

So, what am I saying ? We must start with inner love first. Easy to say, difficult to achieve. How many times have you heard, growing up, "you gotta love yourself, before you can love another". I used to say " I do !!!" with a frustrated tone, but really I didn't because I was always trying to get love and harming myself in the process.

So how do you learn to love yourself ? Is it really achievable ? Well yes but my only real teaching is this.

The road to self love comes through firstly self awareness and with that awareness how you can come home to and learn to love and accept yourself, with your relationship as the mirror and healer. If we "are love" then we need to be able to see it and our partner is our mirror for that. Maybe then, true self love comes with another person. When you feel deep love, your partner is just reflecting back to you what is coming from you. Maybe this is "being love" then we are no longer seeking it ? A thought to mull.

Gangaji, a truly incredible teacher of humanity says “what is here when I stop trying to get anything ? And how much of that is already here and where does that begin and end ? And...am I willing to trust that ?” She believes there is nothing we need to be, get or do and that our prayer must be for openness to ourselves in every moment. This is profound and “whoa !”, but the teaching is about knowing that all we need is right here in every moment, if we choose to see it. Self enquiry is the only way to realisation of the “self”, Gangaji believes. A life dedicated to the blessings of learning about yourself from all your relationships. What, in essence, could be better than that ?

So if the Law of Attraction and all it stands for, is working as they say it does, then we must become love in order to attract the same. Be love and you have love, there is nothing to seek.

Happy summer everyone !

Blessings and love

Warts 'n' All

You are beautiful no matter what you say ! But do you accept yourself as the saying goes “warts and all ?”. My wish for everyone in a relationship is that they feel safe enough to be authentic every day of their lives, but authenticity requires being real and accepting that we are what we are now and that’s not an easy place for many. Think of someone who you admire because they are being themselves. There is no proving or showing off or acting, it’s just that they have learned that inner peace and happiness comes from being real through and through and in my experience I always enjoy being around authentic people. Their inner beauty shines through and is magnetic to others.

Talking with clients and friends it seems we may all have a hidden side that only comes into being when alone. You can say and do what the hell you like when no-one is watching... right ! Expressing deep emotion, for example, for some people only feels ok to do alone for fear of others thinking they are weak or crazy or pathetic. But deep emotions are part of us and what a shame if we feel we have to hide it from others.

Our intimate partnerships are a place where our “warts” or painful bits tend to show up magnified. Once the heady days of romance have tailed off and the sleeves are rolled up for the real business of getting along together, our other half seems with skill, to bring our warts to the surface ! So what of these warts and what do they look like ?

For a moment, imagine the darker sides of you as unhealed parts of your past. Without fail we all carry disappointments and negative experiences from perhaps our childhood, school and relationships with others and alot of these past experiences hang around in the body, mind and spirit. Partners have the amazing knack of pressing the “don’t go there” buttons, but why ?

Well Imago Theory (www.gettingthelove.com) states that the unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood negative experiences, will be reflected back to us in our intimate relationship for the specific job of being healed and with the aim to return to “wholeness”, which for me means authenticity, “the real me”. Fascinating theory. No wonder then, when these painful spots show up in our relationship, it is the source of conflict and suffering, because the two people involved don’t know what is really trying to happen.

Our underlying aim in life, I believe, is to be approved of and to feel we have a place on this Earth through the giving, but specifically the receiving of love. But as we grow through the delicate stages of childhood our need for love, approval and connection can and is affected by others around us. If we expressed or behaved in ways that were deemed inappropriate we avoided those ways, even if really they were ok at some level, in order to remain approved of. Ringing any bells ?

So as we grew we continued to look upon those ways of being, as bad or wrong, hence the “warts” that formed and that we dutifully carry for years. But in essence, the truth of human kind is that we are all born with a full range of expressions, emotions, behaviours that if nurtured correctly will allow our wholeness to remain as we progress through life. Sadly many of us reach adulthood with many a wart to bear and still feeling, as we did in childhood, that it is not ok to be that way or this.

Looking within, we are told more and more nowadays, is the only way forward. I believe this to be true. At some point, if we are to lead a life full of deep inner peace and happiness, we do need to be brave enough lay our “inner house” out on the lawn in front of us and look and learn to love all those tender parts. How you do it is up to you. Today’s urge towards a more conscious, happy and authentic life is expression to the fact that we are all seeking to purge our past baggage in some form or other, so we can feel more love and happiness. There is a multitude of great ways to help out there and I know you will find it if you feel the need, but where I am focused is around how you can become accepted and approved of in your relationship.

I work with people all the time, couples especially, who have a great desire to be seen by their loved one warts and all, but are too afraid to show their darker side for fear of being left, an ingrained childhood miasm sadly. Through the creation of a safe nurturing environment and with the dialogue of exploration and curiosity, I help people express themselves in a way that they have never felt comfortable to do so, before. The beauty in these moments is huge, as each partner takes the other’s hand and with childlike steps helps them walk the journey towards fullness and wholeness with love and respect. I really enjoy these experiences which are for me, about real love.

Whether single or part of a couple, I can help you realise that it is ok to be you. Why not give me a call. I have been there, believe me.

What you can do in the mean time

• Know that right here, right now, every part of you has a place in this world and you deserve to be you and be accepted by ALL who know you.

• Make a choice to understand what your warts look like and begin to learn to accept yourself as much as you can. There is a whole heap of help out there if you feel the need to talk to someone about self esteem and past issues.

• Observe what feels painful for you in interactions with family, friends or partners and dare to look behind what it really means for you. Where are those feelings really coming from ?

• Are you running from your darker side ? If so, choosing to stop and be brave enough to explore those parts, will take you towards your dream of being real and authentic. I guarantee your life will be richer and more abundant than you could ever imagine when you learn that it is ok to be a human being with all the colours that go to make us all up !

• In your relationship, is your partner willing to explore your and their stuff ? True acceptance of the self, I believe, comes in our love relationship. The right communication will bring about the acceptance you so longed for. See my previous article about communication and how you can explore each other’s past wounds.

Obervation to Preservation

I was inspired today after my hot yoga class, to write about how people really get stuck in to the drama of their emotions. I watched people as they literally fought with their bodies throughout the class, one to deal with the extreme temperatures which were well over 80 degrees and two, to force their bodies into postures that "dear old bod" was not ready for. One guy especially caught my attention. It tickled me pink by the end of the class. He literally pumped out a dialogue of puffing and panting loudly and even during Savasana (relaxation) at the end, the whole class was subject to his deep "ahhhhhhs" and sighs as he came to terms with the marathon that his body clearly had disliked with a passion !

And it made me think...if we feel something and allow the drama of it to take a grip and manifest ...what then ? Some peoples outbursts can register on the Richter Scale and those around them have to run for hills to take cover. I am sure you know or have known someone like this ! How do you feel around that "threat" ? Eggshell treading becomes the norm to keep the peace.

I  work with couples in conflict and it sprouts grand from triggered emotions which can erode the relationship and the people in it gradually over time. Now I am not saying we should all go around holding in our emotions. Lord knows historical social conditioning has sent alot of people on a quest to express, but it's WHY we should observe ourselves when our pain body is activated. 9 times out of 10 reaction based on "this is what I am feeling now so you are gonna get it", never works. Think of the times you have done it. You are more pissed at yourself which serves to increase inner pain and then you gotta dig yourself out of it with flowers, apologies and massages ...or whatever !

I spent 10 days meditating at a retreat last summer in Hereford. Vipassana is the extreme sport of meditation. You spend 10 days in complete silence and spend 10 hours of each day meditating. I was never one to do things by halves ! The roots of this meditation technique are based in mindfulness and spending the whole time in observation of "the self" was one of the most profound things I had ever done. You get to witness the ramblings of the mind and its ability to take you off on tangents, in and out of stories and how it can play games with you if left to its own devices. It was scary and bizarre and incredible all at once. During meditation time we were guided to simply observe whatever sensation or emotion arose in the body and watch it pass without reacting. It did, without fail, every time. Sitting and meditating without moving a hair on my head, or to scratch an itch or move to ease a shoulder ache gave me the ability to be able to see how our mind wants to drag us into the emotional and mental drama in the moment. As feelings and painful memories came and went I saw how if I just observed, things pass. Just as night turns to day and life in its endless cycle, ebbs and flows, so do we, in this great cosmic soup. It was the best "me" training I had ever experienced and its benefits are with me every day now. Sure I feel triggered when my boyfriend "pushes my buttons" from the past, but I am way better able to articulate what is happening in me, without stripping layers of skin off him with my heated words. Thank God he didn't meet me years ago !

Emotions rise and they pass and if we can just know that whatever we are urged to feel in the moment, will pass, then we have greater awareness to be able to do something about it. Conflict is painful and often ugly and way too reactive and I have witnessed throughout my life what it can do. My dad, God rest his soul, was the master of reactive outbursts and like a dutiful daughter I learnt that way to communicate too. In my early teenage years for example, I kicked hell into the kitchen cupboards if I spilled sugar on the floor by mistake. I always felt bad but at the same time compelled like a battering ram to do whatever "came up". Anger management was not my strong point !

Past painful memories and unresolved childhood wounds sit like snakebites in our bodies and minds waiting to be triggered so we can look at them and with the help of a partner, can heal and grow beyond them. Our intimate relationship can and will activate those snakebites and is the only relationship that creates the right conditions for this to happen. It is what "is meant" in the grand scheme of this Universal Plan, to help us return to our wholeness and allow the "real us" to show up.

So when you next feel triggered into reactive defensive behaviour with your partner or loved one, wait a few moments and sit with what it is they are bringing up for you. Your body will let you know the signs immediately.

Cortisol, a reactive hormone is released in your body during these moments and prepares you for "fight or flight". The first 20 mins of this cortisol reaction is the time when it is the most risky to express how you feel. You want to fire off a text (or 100 !), you want to chuck nasty words to wound your partner for daring to hurt you with their words, you want to stomp about the house and slam doors, or at worst you want to harm your partner physically.

In perspective, when you feel triggered it is 90% your stuff and only 10% theirs. What is arising for you is yours and no one else's. You need to own it and more importantly take responsibility for it.  You have a choice right in that moment. Reacting is exhausting so, with willpower, choose a different way. I guarantee it will be a better way.

Get into the habit of self observation. Think "ahh I am being triggered" and be curious about it rather than engaging in the drama of the potential lava flow of emotions. Watch it as it surfaces in your body. Feel the sensations, the anger, sadness or whatever and simply "be" with it until it passes. It will, every time. Blocking it from arising will only create more fear in the long run as you start to live with the fight or flight syndrome and run from it time and again. Your partner's job IS to push your buttons but in doing so, is helping you ultimately face the unhealed bits of you. 

If you need to rant and I am not saying it's not healthy to, set up time alone or with a mate to get it off your chest. I do think it is a good idea to get it out, but the danger comes when the reaction is aimed to harm your partner from what it is perceived they have to done to upset you.

The aim is to be able to say in a rational controlled fashion "honey I feel really triggered by what you have just said and I need a little time to allow it to subside. Can we talk about it a bit later ? (or now depending on how you feel)" This way you preserve your relationship space and save yourself the pain of allowing the emotion to damage your mind and body. I have tried it and it works and I can't tell you enough what a revelation it is to feel in control of me but in a self respecting way. It works wonders for preserving your precious relationship and hey presto as the Law of Attraction kicks in, your partner can stay connected and feel respected as you both mature into a better way to communicate.

 

Honour yourself from today by observing and preserving the delicate nature of you that is trying to make its way in this world. As you grow others will naturally help you. We are all in it with you.

 

Blessings and love

Find the Love You Really Want – Why Waste Time ?

I have always have a number of topics to write about on the subject of romance and relationships. In fact the list is endless; but one pressing subject I want to chat about as the sunny season of hope springs forth, is that educating your "self" in the art of creating successful relationships is the only way forward. Wouldn't you love to save a whole lot of heartache and time ?

Consciousness seems to be the major buzz word on the planet now. In essence it means becoming aware and the first place we must start is with ourselves. So unless in a relationship you know and are aware of what you are giving off how can you expect to fix the problems ? You are one half of the problem that exists I am sorry to say. What we allow, even if our partner is abusive, is still our problem and in the allowing, we self harm.


So once inward focus is recognised then we can start to understand and know what makes us tick in relationships and more to the point start to own and take responsibility for our part in the dynamics. When I truly "got it" I realised that I had been blindly blaming my partner choices on them. Ugh ! I had to grow up a little and make the changes necessary to change the dance I had been dancing for 25 years. It was revolutionary ! Sadly alot of people don’t want to make changes to their behaviour and continue to think their partner is the one to blame. But in doing so they only delay inner growth and healing.


So what does relationship education give you that you won't learn by just experiencing  ?


1) Understanding that it is GOOD to have boundaries and when you have none love won't come to you easily. When you are boundaryless you will keep letting in unwanted behaviour from others and you will find it tough establishing the REAL you.


2) When you are triggered into conflict or a row with your partner it is 90% your issue and only 10% theirs. Triggered emotions feel like small snake bites inside and the pain inflicted is coming from an unhealed part of you. It is virtually never what you find to argue about..lid off the toothpaste or peeing on the toilet seat... it is about the unconscious meaning that experience has for you from the past.


3) When you are in conflict with your beau, you will either respond by closing down and not wanting to face the "music" and boy the music can be loud ! Or, you want to talk it through and keep nagging at your partner until you get the space to do so. These two “styles” of people will always meet and fall in love and it is why and how you communicate through that is essential in the path to deep communion in love. Otherwise " 'er in doors" becomes the flavour of pub talk !


4) An ability to look at and understand the past when you were growing up with your parents or caretakers and to come to know that your partner choices in adulthood reflect a deep unconscious desire to heal past "wounds" from childhood. Don't be offended when I use the word wounded because human beings are hugely diverse and complicated and parents do their level best to bring us up in a balanced way. However, it is and was impossible to have our needs met 24/7 as we grew up and some of the negative experiences hang around in our memories from the young delicate little people we once were and become the snake bites that I have discussed, later on.


5) Partner choices, for your childhood healing process to be completed, are mostly unconscious. In other words you may consciously choose, for example, they have a great physical appearance and embody the things that excite you but what makes you fall head over heels and gets you intrinsically "hooked" will be largely motivated by your brain and its past experiences, mostly negative ones with your folks, and it is merely trying to re-create those "playgrounds" of experience to replay the movie and gain a successful outcome this time around. In other words, you will unconsciously choose those partners who embody mostly the negative traits of your parents/caretakers in order to re-create the same situations from childhood where this time around you can heal. This is a deep one to accept I know and people say to me how so you know it is true Gina ? Well because I see it everywhere I look. Men cry quite alot ...."god she is just like my mother !" and for good reason. But not knowing why sets up further conflict and an eventual need to rid yourself of this person, rather than to know and thank that this person who has annoyingly turned up to help you heal from the past !


6) Relationships have a cycle. The honeymoon phase allows the bonding of attraction with the above motivation in mind, to heal from childhood. But this bonding is without fail followed by the conflict stage or "power struggle" as the wounds that need to heal come up to the surface and this shows up as....what you once loved about your partner is now annoying the hell out of you ! Learning how to move beyond this tricky stage needs help and is only done through the right type of communication. Most couples come to me during the conflict stage because they are programmed to respond with the learned behaviours from the past and so I teach them how to add to the bag of tools and help them learn that we must honour and respect the other in their differences.


7) The relationship space. I have written about this already but my teaching focuses on couples seeing that what they give to the relationship, rather than what they take from it, heals and grows the quality of the relationship and the other.


8) And finally, healing, self love and acceptance come from learning about yourself and arming yourself with this valuable knowledge WILL shift who you attract and improve the quality of your relationships.


Honouring and knowing what is coming from you is the beginning of your journey to successful and healthy relationships. Get in touch when you need a hand along that path and together I will help you see the real beauty of you as you return to love.

To Text or Not to Text, that is the question ?

Leading nicely on from my last piece about how to "tool up" to communicate properly in your relationship, I find myself compelled to mention the wonderful world of non-verbal communication, in particular, texting. Daily life seems to cocoon us more and more within the world of laptops and virtual relationships with others and as well as the plethora of benefits in terms of connecting us with ever larger circles of people, it can, in intimate relationships, kill some of the essence of good old fashioned face to face dialogue.

Now I am not saying texting is bad because indeed it has its benefits. For example, sending a sweet nothing to your loved one as they journey through their day, just to show you care, is lovely... or to wish them luck when they are just about to head into an interview. It saves money on a phone call and sometimes for a quick word or two, it's not necessary to speak.

I guess I just want to explore and share my thoughts on using texting to communicate when you really do need to talk.

I have been guilty, if I can call it that, of trying to get my point across when I was peed off about something in my previous relationships. My intention ? To tell him how I feel and then shut him out because I need to run away for a while ! My defence plan "You are gonna know how I feel, but you are gonna have to run after me to fix it !" Crazy huh ! But that's me. Think about how you use texting when you want to say something but are and this is the point, afraid to speak the words.

I have learnt about two styles of behaving in conflict in relationships. I will call these two folk, minimisers and maximisers for the purpose of illustration. Maximisers in conflict are usually the more emotionally flowery people who want to talk about everything to sort problems out and they only feel connected when their partner listens and hears them. Maximisers can be overbearing and intense and sometimes can scare their partners with huge outbursts of emotional lava. Texting trends tend to be "hot pursuit" style. A new client said of his girlfriend recently , "She freaks me out sometimes and literally stalks me on text ! I feel trapped and pretty intimidated and can't escape, so I shut her out to get some peace." This is classic !

The opposite style, minimising, is when in conflict, that person's style is to shut down and not talk about what's bothering them in the moment. They believe they are the logical rational ones that never start the rows and they feel they are often the more mature partner in the relationship. Their texting style is often short and sweet and boy, lots of minimisers use texting to keep their maximising partner, at bay. I have a friend who loves texting when her man "starts" cause she can tell him how she feels then turn the phone off to control his octopus style clinging. Sounding familiar ? So in this way texting can nurture your tendency in conflict to remain where you are in your style of learned behaviour i.e. maximising or minimising.

My main point is that texting in conflict will usually inflame rather than smooth, because we can so easily take the words the wrong way. I will agree that sometimes a quick text to say "darling, I feel a little emotional about what you said earlier, can we talk later ?" is ok, because it is stating how you feel rather than chucking a great big hang grenade criticism. But remember with texting, it is the words you use that can aggravate or smooth. So if you feel utterly compelled to text...explain how you feel, NOT what your beau is doing to pee you off. Blaming and shaming never works and on text it's a very detached way of putting your point across.

I had an emotionally intense relationship 3 years ago, where most of my more difficult conversations were on text because I felt afraid of his response. I can't talk for his feelings about it, but it was almost like I couldn't face him for fear that he would leave me at some point. I used to get really upset if he blocked me out and shut down when he was angry, so I would "fire" a text to try and wound him in his rabbit hole, then I would shut down and retreat hoping and praying he would come get me and make it better. Oh what a survival strategy !

Let me go on to use an analogy here. Your world of you, is like an island. On your island, with all your thoughts and feelings and the way you see life, your partner cannot possibly know exactly where you are at because they are on their own island. When you send a text, imagine if you will that it is a flare, it lands on their island and can and will be received with their views and feelings and opinions about what the message is that you have sent. Not how you originally intended. Get me ? The only way to really hear your partner or for them to hear you, is to visit the other's island and be fully present with them, leaving your island behind. This is what I teach in my work. Good old fashioned, heart centred connection where verbal communication, face to face, is the only true way to achieve a healthy conscious relational space.

So often texting can be muddled in its "received" mode. Taking it the wrong way is common. How many times have you got it wrong when someone has texted you and how many times did your receiver take it the "wrong" way from you ? Easy to do. Our previous experiences create a filtering system in our minds and certain words or messages will be absorbed, filtered and according to your values and beliefs you will react according to what your resulting "output" is. Having a conversation with your partner can ease the ability to take it the way to choose, rather than the way they meant it. Our stories about what we think is coming from our partner can be way off the mark, so please, if you to need to say something delicate, say it don't text it...it saves a lot of hassle in the long run !

Finally...next time, as you start to send a text to your loved one in a bad moment, perhaps after a row or even before one, stop and think a little. Does your relationship deserve to have you contributing in this way or would it be better to tell your loved one face to face how you feel about what is happening ?

Enjoy texting for the fun of it...leave the tougher bits to the bravery of talking...go on...you can do it !