Trigger happy or sad - it's up to you

Picture the scene. You are merrily taking a day trip out with your partner and all is going very well. You are chatting and laughing together about people and life and nothing in the world seems to matter more than these precious moments. Your banter is high and the flow of energy congruent and easy between you. You look with fond eyes and have lots of warm fuzzy feelings thinking how wonderful your beau is in so many ways.

Then suddenly, unknown to them, they say something that, like a flick of a switch, sends your inner world plummeting into darkness and angst. They may have suddenly dropped the name of their ex, one too many times, into the conversation or held the gaze of the “bit of stuff” as they walked by or they mention in a sweet way what a pain in the ass your mum is or they may say something about your physical appearance or your weight.....the list goes on.

Your body suddenly goes into “I’m in charge” mode and you sit there surging with feelings. You feel taken over, some people tell me, with demonic proportions and you can’t think straight. Many people, including myself, describe these moments as an emotional punch in the guts or a sudden rising sickness or huge anger or a need to defend yourself in some way.

Anatomically, cortisol, one of the fight or flight hormones is rampaging around your body like an invasion from an opposing army. At this point you may feel like running and hiding or standing and fighting..the options are, in the moment, many, but scary.

These moments are called your “triggers”. They are the body’s way of signalling where, in your body/mind/spirit, negative experiences from the past are still causing you angst and to what degree. The magnitude of your feelings varies according to the pain you felt originally i.e. when the emotional “wounding” occurred and the degree to which you have sorted it out during your lifetime.

When we are triggered we often don’t know where the originating painful experience lies. We focus on what our partner has said or done and that is deemed, by the mind, the be the cause. What follows often and in my experience with couples who are struggling to get through conflict, is a whole lot of blame, pain and finger pointing with the requests and demands that the other should resolve their upset.

What I want to do with this way of looking at relationship problems is to turn it on its head completely. Our partners WILL push pain buttons in us with words or actions to show us where healing and growth are required in us, not them. The greatest mis-understanding is “this is hurting me therefore it is your fault”. Sadly humanity is only at the beginning of knowing that inner pain means “my stuff not yours” and love relationships seem to be where this war is still very much at large.

I will go further and say that our partners are meant to push our buttons and the purpose of adult intimate relationships is to heal and grow from childhood and the lovely quote from the Jewish philosopher, Martin Buber “the purpose of a relationship, is a helpmate in opposition”, springs to mind.

Depending on your adaptive way of dealing with conflict in childhood, by either retreating or going into battle, you will carry that style into adulthood which by now is a deeply ingrained pattern. Then what seems as some Divine buggar up, you pitch up in a love relationship with your opposite style of dealing with conflict. I digress....

So there you are feeling all sorts of angst and discomfort, your partner is looking a little perplexed and may start to notice by asking if there is anything wrong to which you will probably say at first “oh nothing” but you are secretly seething. I want to say “why hold it in ?” but therein lies all sorts of potential hazards.

At this moment I am pressing PAUSE on our mini potential drama, to help you understand your choices :

Ok let’s start with playing the movie of what could happen. After several attempts by your partner to find out what’s wrong you decide to :

• Let them have it with a barrage of words to feed your pain. You may swear, throw things or even go for the biggie of physical attack until you have off loaded. But what then ? Guilt and a possible rift and alot said that needs to be forgiven and healed in both of you. Relationships are a game for two and this way you are trampling on the relationship space. See previous article http://ginahardy.blogspot.com/2010/02/your-relationship-space-beirut-or-bliss.html .This scene is the horror movie and not advised at any costs. You may then trigger your partner who may mirror you by giving as good as they get and a game of trying to win ensues, however clever the tactics you employ, are.
• Retreat into a well lived-in shell and put up the highest defence you can. You may walk out, make an excuse to go and do something else or blah blah...whatever ! Your partner is not welcome here and you will not be budged. They can make all the effort to repair the mess and the hurt they have caused you before you are willing to come out of hiding. This movie, like Castaway, is one of isolation and loneliness. Again it is not just about you, but two.

Unconscious relationships swing in polarity as above. Allow me to suggest with minor role play, what a conscious healthy relationship would do...excuse the basic language but you can get the general idea :

• My partner says something I find painful and it triggers a possible reaction. I notice what’s happening in me and register that “yes” I feel rubbish in this moment. I take time (a few seconds, minutes) to allow the feelings to be there without jumping in to react. PAUSE.
• I say to my loved one, aiming to stay connected to him/her, “honey I really feel triggered by what you just said/did. I feel hurt/angry/injured etc”. That way I am not sending accusatory messages to hit my partner’s tender spots. I am now starting to own my pain and just expressing how I feel.
• At this point depending on the depth and power of my feelings I can either articulate to my honey that I just need to find a place to calm down and I will come and talk in an hour or so or I may choose to explain how I feel in the moment.
• A word of caution here. The cortisol surging in the body is at its strongest in the first 20 minutes after you feel triggered, so any exchange of words at this time carries a health warning that a row can easily develop if full self control is not exerted. Tough when you are feeling overcome with emotion.
• Notice and observe yourself as much as you can.
• If your tendency is to want to react with a barrage of words and brain to mouth has a habit of reacting at lightning speed then my heart goes out to you. I was and am, to a smaller extent, one of those people. It is not your fault you feel that way but it is your fault if you let rip unguarded. You will injure for sure then there is double pain. Only when you have calmed down and can meet your partner in a safe relational space to communicate with respect, will you be met where you need to be met thus being able to say how you feel and what you need from your partner.
• If you want to run and not face any potential conflict, again my heart goes out to you. But shutting down is as much hard work for your relationship, although less noisy. When you have calmed down make that commitment to come back to your partner and explain what it is you feel and what you need from your partner.

Our partner’s “job” in all this is to help create a safe space to “come and talk” when the triggered state has worn off. Safety is critical for the triggered party in order to feel they can say what needs to be said. Notice your reactive style and its impact on your partner. It is not to tell you to pussy foot or tread on egg shells to suit your partner but it is to respect the relational space and getting it off your chest can be done, but with kindness.

We are all very varied and there are a thousands of triggers and situations but we all share the basic human craving for love and approval. It never dies in us no matter how old we get and when we don’t get it or it is threatened to be withdrawn, our systems go into overdrive to protect us from potential “death”. Sounds very dramatic but our reptilian brain, or “old brain” only knows to protect the body from threats and death and it is that part of the brain that overpowers us when we are triggered. Fight or flight is it’s only two reactive states.

So my lovely Conscious Union readers, take from this what makes sense to you and slowly slowly in your daily interactions with your nearest and dearest and others for that matter, test this different way out. Recognise that it is you that can change this world from conflict to peace and help yourself heal and grow beyond your wildest dreams in the process. Love is all there is when we let go. Namaste.

Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a princess. A princess so beautiful, her Light shone, mesmerizing the people of the land. They talked only of her purity and kindness and regularly left gifts at the steps to her castle to show their appreciation for her being in their lives. Daily she sat by the river with all her nature friends, dreaming of the day when her handsome prince would come to her. Her knowing was so strong that from afar, every now and then, the handsome prince would look up from what he was doing and sense the love from his princess from across the miles. His heart yearned for her and it stirred him so deep that he knew without a doubt that she was his angel.

Then one day, the handsome prince awoke to the energy of the strongest passion he had ever encountered and decided that today was the day he would go to his beloved and commit his life to her. The time was right and the Gods were willing him to go and seek her.

Mounting his humble steed he rode hard until his horse broke a sweat. Finally he reached the castle. Dismounting, he wandered through the surrounding meadow to the river where she bathed. A breeze of his presence brushed her face and she was filled with the deepest love she had ever felt. She looked up and there before her with his eyes shining with deep gratitude and happiness, was her handsome prince. He fell to his knees and she ran to him with arms open to surround him with the love that was within him all along. The connection created a union so deep, the very heart of Mother Earth beat in their chests. She mounted his horse and he lead her to the castle where they bonded their love in the most exquisite love making. Heaven and earth rang the bells of love as they committed their lives and love, happily ever after.

Ahhhhhh....writing this, for a brief moment, I really got lost in the notion of being part of the fairy tale ! The notion of prince and princess, castles, romance and deep unbreakable love, STILL takes me off into dream wonderland. So what about you ?Let yourself feel it. Maybe in there somewhere among your buried thoughts, is the cotton wool world of your own version of a happily ever after story that is alive and kicking.

Traditional fairy tales may be confined to kiddies books, but see how the thread of the “happily ever after” consciousness, is around us every day of our lives. Movies such as Braveheart, Robin Hood and even dear old Shrek, have served to reach a place deep in our hearts which in many ways keeps us chained to searching for “the one” “our soul mate” “my twin flame”.

We have grown up with such strong conditioning from the world of movies, songs and Mills and Boon style books, that although fantasy is great, it is just that, fantasy. But not to be a party pooper, we must know that happily ever after is achievable but with alot of self awareness and a willingness to grow beyond our chains/blocks and to move forward with our partners in happily separate connectedness !

So coming back to you. Even though you may initially poo poo the notion of the fairy tale ending, it may be playing itself out in your expectation of how you think love should be with your partner or spouse. In your mind what is “right” to be able to achieve bliss and happiness may not be your partners idea of happily ever after and indeed they may have had the fairy tale proverbially knocked out of them along their life path, so treading with caution and gentleness would help.

Coming back to movies. I remember a friend going to the cinema a few years ago with her sister-in-law to see “PS I Love You” and upon arriving at home afterwards, finished with her husband on the spot, telling him that he had never loved her like Gerard Butler did his wife, in the movie and knew in her heart that it was over. Now this is an extreme I grant you, but it proves that what we think love should be, can often run our love lives.

So what can you do if your idea of happily ever after hasn’t happened and you feel it never will, no matter how hard you try ?

Here’s a clue..self awareness, self awareness, self awareness ! Every thought and feeling about anything, begins and end with you. It is NEVER the other persons fault for not loving you or making happen what you want to happen. We must give ourselves the love and care first and as the Law of Attraction kicks in, we attract love as a magnet from within us, FIRST. That seems to be the way !

Understand and self enquire into your expectations of love. Pain only comes to us when we are chained by our thoughts of what it should or shouldn’t be. Take a quiet moment to really investigate those feelings. Watch a romantic movie and notice how you feel. I used to feel a deep inner sadness and was, more often than not, deeply affected long after the movie had finished. Even the modern versions of King Kong had me boo hooing ! For me, it was a deep sense of never being loved truly madly deeply by a man and the perceived lack of “man love” kept me chained to the hope that one day my knight would ride into my life. In the mean time, I felt something was missing and the inner story of that reigned long until only a few years ago.

It may help to sit and talk to your partner or a dear friend about how you feel about love in general. Often those close to us can be of great help and comfort just by listening. Express what’s sitting deep inside. You maybe be surprised at what comes up and with their help you may be able to come to some conclusions and even revelations.

Not long ago, a dear friend said to me, when she was in pain over her man, “the thing is Gina, love equals pain for me”. My heart and empathy went out to her. So many people feel the same. Chained to fear of loss, we pull love towards us then push it away like a never ending yo-yo.

John Demartini, one my idols in the field of awakening human consciousness, once said “ True love is not nice, kind, sweet, positive. It is, nice and mean, kind and cruel, positive and negative, supporting and challenging, peaceful and warful, co-operative and competitive. Once we redefine love as a balance of complementary opposite states we realise that we are surrounded by love 24 hours a day. As long as we are looking for love in a one sided form (happily ever after), we will be looking for love our whole life and miss it”. So true.

Know that true love is a balance of opposites. Traditional Christian wedding vows talk about “for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer”. Accept that any perceived negativity is part of the cycle of life. Love and relationships ebb and flow, like day and night or birth and death. Happily Ever After misses one thing, its opposite. Fairy tale land is only ever good and happy. The balance of opposite is missing. It may sound crazy but we need opposites to create equilibrium in our lives. Attachment through craving and desire keep us chained and ultimately we suffer. Like it or not, this is reality. “Love what is”, as Byron Katie so rightly puts.

My story has a very happy ending. One I thought only happened in books. My knight did indeed ride into my life this year but dear readers, only after I truly stopped a few years ago to take a long hard look at myself, my love life, men, sex and all that had made up my book of tragic and other love stories. To TRULY look within and release myself was the only thing left for me to do after many years of trying to create the happily ever after story. As I released myself from old thought patterns and found the missing piece of the inner love jigsaw, which was a very subtle but definite shift, I no longer felt the need to cry myself to sleep over movies and songs. I had found the true meaning of “loving myself before we can love another” and the need to search for my soul mate, left me, for the first time in 25 years. Bliss !

If you feel that love equals pain and you want to really get to grips with it once and for all, I would love to hear from you. My website www.consciousunion.co.uk gives you more insight and inspiration into my way and thinking about conscious relationship creation and I offer consultations in a number of easy ways.

In the mean time become the love you want to attract. Namaste.

The Perfection Infection

Think of a time when you were first dating someone you eventually went on to spend some life path time with. Ahhh remember the heady days of the romantic stage, fondly known as the honeymoon period. He/she could do no wrong, you noticed every little detail about the way they walked, talked and dressed and you positively brimmed over with pride and lust and maybe a sprinkling of early love! Your body was feeding you with love hormones and everything was just rosy in nest heaven.

Then one morning you wake and roll over to find that your honey isn’t looking quite so hot and the dialogue starts in your head. “I really must tell him to get his beard trimmed”, “long chest hair really isn’t in these days, it’s so 80’s!”, “not that tie-dye shirt again!”, “I really don’t like that deodorant he uses”. Now, part of you is shocked at how you really didn’t see this before but the other half is saying “well the little changes will make him better”…..but better for who? Maybe he likes long chest hair, tie-dye shirts (now that’s a tough one….lol) and Brut deodorant!

Now I will write my observation, gentlemen that it seems to be us girls that need the perfection infection ointment more than you do, but c’mon I know you have made a little tweak here and there eh? One of the biggest things men complain about is the frustration of being pressured to change in some way. But we all know that chasing around trying to change image or behaviours to suit others’ happiness is NOT the answer because it never stops.

A friend of mine and I have laughed many times about how we needed our partners looking hot to trot and a bad haircut or a flabby body or Primark clothing just ain’t acceptable. Another friend who I used to work with would break up with a guy if he was wearing the “wrong” watch or the “wrong” socks. It is funny but can be an OCD when it gets that out of order!

I KNOW you have been there, so as you sit there tittering, think about the subtle little things that have crept up on you both where you have felt totally compelled to make a change request to your other half. We have ALL done it. I admit it is hard not to. I find myself justifying subtle requests to my boyfriend even now. Thankfully he is so comfortable with himself that it is a choice he knows he has to honour himself every time whether it feels good to make a change or not. Good for him!

There are degrees though. Image change requests come in various forms from completely new hair cuts and wardrobes down to a minor beard trim or change of lipstick colour perhaps. Behaviours are harder because they are often ingrained and change requests on that level can and will irk at childhood and past wounds and only the right dialogue can sort it out.

So if your partner is trying to change you, what can you do?

My number one answer would be, take time to be with their comments and see how it feels to you. Does it suddenly make you feel deflated or if you admit it, yeah they have got a point and maybe even the change would be good! Maybe I do need to look at my wardrobe or think about spoiling for a few less rows. If you resist every time you will only make it harder. Now I am not saying go on change to suit your partner but feeling the inner stirrings of intuition you will get a hit of whether it feels good or bad.

If you constantly reject your loved one’s comments then maybe you do need to look a little further within and ask yourself, where does this come from? Is it helping our relationship if I do this? If you constantly change at every uttering of your partner then again, self inquire. Many people will blame others for showing them stuff about themselves and simply refuse to learn whatever lesson is there to learn. Fine, we all have free will apparently (I could contest that one though!) so we can make it difficult or easy. It’s a choice. Everything on the surface is like an iceberg, deeper meaning is always present. You have every answer inside of you, but getting involved and engaging in the dramas of the mind will never afford you the space to be still and simply notice.

If you really want to keep your image nuances and certain attitudes, because it feels ok with you, then boundaries are important. It’s OK TO BE YOU and so with gentle and kind dialogue you can thank your partner for their comments, or use the dialogue technique I offered in a past blog. This will keep your relational space healthy and your identity and personality in tact. Win win!

Every person you have ever met or spent time with is a mirror for you and the way you deal with that can be a good experience every time if you choose. It’s just your story and perception that can make learning either bad or good. Think about it. Stories are just that and oh boy the mind is full of them. How often have you simply observed the inner dialogue of the mind on any given day and marvelled at your mind’s ability to whip you here and there and get you to believe and emote from its incessant ramblings.

When we believe the stories then we are caught in a movie that can swing out of control very easily. So for example, when your beloved says in a lovely way “darling I really think this colour shirt suits you not that one” watch your story…you may think “why oh why does she insist on disagreeing with me” or “hey yeah she’s got a point I do look good in this”. See? It’s all stories really, so keep open in every moment and observe your minds urge to jump to negativity. Byron Katie, a prominent figure in the field of awakening human consciousness, has a process called The Work which will help you blast through the stories that keep you suffering. http://www.thework.com/index.php

And if you are the one with a mild or acute dose of the perfection infection, what can you do?

I am not one to dish out practical dos and don’t because my belief is that all ailments of this kind start from within us so….

Observe yourself. Notice and become aware of the underlying thoughts and feelings that build into words that flow out of your mouth before you have had good time to understand what is happening at a deeper level. Be still and feel it wherever it arises in your body and stay with it until is passes. The law of nature is impermanence, whatever rises, passes away and that goes for emotions. Whenever you feel urges or feelings, however good or bad they appear, they always disappear eventually. Watch yourself and see that we are simply blended with nature just as every animal or plant.

Respect your partner’s boundaries. The quality of your communication in terms of words and body language is all important. One thing many people struggle with in life is being able to be fully authentic, and that can’t be born if you are constantly trying to make changes to your honey. Allow them to invite you in. Imagine a boundary around someone’s property. You wouldn’t leap the fence and run amuck in the garden un-invited, now would you!

Try a little self acceptance. Look at where you are constantly trying to make YOU perfect, because the infection starts and ends within. You may be nagging yourself at all angles about how you look, dress and behave with others without realising it and oh boy that’s tiring! A heck a lot of energy is expended through self talk, doubt and being inwardly harsh. Give yourself a break! Notice your tendency to self berate. Inward dissatisfaction nearly always appears as projections onto your loved one.

Find some joy in everything you say and do. The dance of your relationship can be an easy one if you always approach your beau with an intention to love and honour them every time you communicate. I think we all try and alter our partners in someway and probably always will. Some things will improve and feel great and some not. I liken these idiosyncrasies in life to the rich tapestry of learning that comes our way. There is learning in every moment of every day, that’s Earth school for you. So you can ruin it with negative stories or have regular “ah ha!” moments and marvel at the wonders of what life brings you. It’s a choice.

Lastly I believe that living with the mind is a task of gradual and life long mastery. It will try to sabotage you and tell you what’s not right and what you should do in every situation. Not easy when you think that it lives in your head (apparently)! The collective mind once created world wars and kept humanity chained to misery, but gradually we are learning and changing and dropping into our hearts more and more. Think of times when you are touched to your deepest place by someone or something and in that moment how the mind seems irrelevant, because you feel enough love to fill the Universe.

For your amusement and finally...at the time of writing I asked my boyfriend to cast his keen eye over this article, because I value his opinion on what I write about. I was packing boxes at his flat and all went very quiet for a very long time at his laptop. With curiosity I went to see what he was doing only to find him ‘mmmming’ and ‘errrrring’ over some changes that he thought might be useful....we both fell about laughing. I rest my case.

Blessings and love